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Post by im2grown4this on Aug 25, 2008 19:46:30 GMT -5
I don't agree that the kids should spend time with both parents as a "family" if the parents are not together. That send mixed messages to kids and BM. In the back of their mind is wishful thinking and it won't do anything but make matters worse for the kids. It's not healthy for the kids to think one thing, see one thing, and have it be another. Cause we all know that kids don't always know what is really goin on. Sometimes they know but others only know what we let them know. For them to see something other than what they know, is giving them the wrong impression.  |
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Post by daddyinpdx on Aug 25, 2008 20:31:38 GMT -5
That's like telling kids to stop in the face of obstacles. This truely works if both parents are on the same page and want what's best for the kids.
I bet you wouldn't tell that to a judge if it was court ordered. This happened to me. I was ordered to do this with my BM after I was awarded custody. I was all for it, but my BM and I are like oil and water. I thought that she was going to be extremely hessitant about it.
A custody battle will really change your mind about how you see things. Especially when you spend about $30,000 a piece. Man I don;t ever want to see a court room again. I had to truely put my feelings aside for the future of my children.
I wanted to show my kids how you could turn a negative into a positive situation. I include my BM on all key decisions like school, medical, and future endeavores of the child.
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Post by cloudy752001 on Aug 25, 2008 21:50:59 GMT -5
A court order is different entirely. I don't believe that a judge can order you and your BM/BD to get along, but will advise it for the children's sake. The court won't order a "family day" because that is a decision for the parents to make on their own. Parents can get along with one another without doing things together and still portray a positive image to the children.
Children do not need any more confusion. If moving on is what is intended, then do it just leave the children in the equation. Of course you speak to to the BM/BD in matters that count:
"I include my BM on all key decisions like school, medical, and future endeavores of the child."
But "family day" is and will always be EXTRA and unecessary.
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Post by jaylady999 on Aug 25, 2008 22:01:11 GMT -5
I don't agree that the kids should spend time with both parents as a "family" if the parents are not together. That send mixed messages to kids and BM. In the back of their mind is wishful thinking and it won't do anything but make matters worse for the kids. It's not healthy for the kids to think one thing, see one thing, and have it be another. Cause we all know that kids don't always know what is really goin on. Sometimes they know but others only know what we let them know. For them to see something other than what they know, is giving them the wrong impression. um, children who are ages 0-3 years old arent thinking about anything on bdays and christmas's but gifts and presents. i highly doubt that they are so consumed with the fact that their parents are both there and thinking of how much of a family they are loving to be. now children who are in the upwards of 5 and up, might be a little bit different. |
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Post by jaylady999 on Aug 25, 2008 22:05:25 GMT -5
I wanted to show my kids how you could turn a negative into a positive situation. I include my BM on all key decisions like school, medical, and future endeavores of the child. this is how it should be. the problem is definitely not that two parets are not together, its that one or both of the parents are putting their own feelings and needs before the needs and feelings of their child(ren). its like once you have established a good relationship with the other parent, you cant see it being any other way. i know i cant. i love my BD as a person. he wasnt the best boyfriend, but he is an excellent father and friend. |
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Post by jaylady999 on Aug 25, 2008 22:12:06 GMT -5
Children do not need any more confusion. If moving on is what is intended, then do it just leave the children in the equation. Of course you speak to to the BM/BD in matters that count: "I include my BM on all key decisions like school, medical, and future endeavores of the child."But "family day" is and will always be EXTRA and unecessary. where is the confusion to a child in seeing the two people who created and gave him life actually getting along? i've known my BD for 14 years and his family is my family and vice versa. now while i will say that some things are unnecessary when it comes to BM and BD and child, those things that are "extra" are a blessing to the life of my child. its only unnecessary when one or both parties dont get along. granted, we dont do the family thing anymore, but we did do it until our son was 3 and the only reason it stopped then was becuz both of our lives altered and we didnt want to complicate situations we were both growing into with other people. christmas eve is spent with me, DH, my son and his two children and then my son spends christmas eve night and christmas morning with his father as does DH children. and when it comes to bdays, he does what he does for our son, and i do the same on my end. however last year becuz our son turned 10, he had a big bash (that we both paid for and neither of us were going to miss). So BD and his girlfriend were there and my husband and i were there(along with both grandmothers, and aunts on both sides and my DH's side of the family too). there is no way that you can tell me that all that love is not good for a child. i aint tryin to here it.  these are working relationships at their finest and its nothing but healthy |
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Post by cloudy752001 on Aug 25, 2008 22:26:21 GMT -5
"So BD and his girlfriend were there and my husband and i were there(along with both grandmothers, and aunts on both sides and my DH's side of the family too)."
Um, that's a REAL family day. I was speaking of the more intimate occasions (i.e. every weekend, shopping, dinners, everyday things, talking on the phone about personal issues not pertaining to the children) these are EXTRA things that should not happen on a regular.
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Post by jaylady999 on Aug 25, 2008 22:39:46 GMT -5
"So BD and his girlfriend were there and my husband and i were there(along with both grandmothers, and aunts on both sides and my DH's side of the family too)."Um, that's a REAL family day. I was speaking of the more intimate occasions (i.e. every weekend, shopping, dinners, everyday things, talking on the phone about personal issues not pertaining to the children) these are EXTRA things that should not happen on a regular. oh then in that case, i agree. i definitely think those type of things should be kept to a bare minimum for real. on that same note, BD and i dont talk on the phone too much at all unless its pretty much diar. by our son being almost 11 and having his own celly, when BD wants to speak to him, he calls his cell and when he with BD and i want to speak to him, i do the same. its not that we dont want to talk to each other, but there aint a whole lot to talk about long as the child support is covered. LOL |
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Post by gemmani on Aug 26, 2008 8:12:33 GMT -5
If it isn't possible to stay informed through the other parent, make sure you know how to obtain any information through your own sources. We contact the school and babysitters directly. We get copies of any documents sent home. BM's father is actually a nice person, he lets us know what's going on with the kids (only big things). Sometimes you have to be resourceful in order to stay in the loop.
I would have no issues doing events and occasions with BM. Unfortunately, you can't get along by yourself and you can't force anyone else to cooperate if they don't want to. Obviously I am dealing with an immature BM. I would do it soley for the kids' sake, especially the oldest. She really wants her mom and I to get along. But BM's version of Family Day is for me to be far, far away from the family action.
Also, she has a history of false accusations. She had my fiance arrested for "hitting her in the face". (That case was dismissed. ) She tried to accuse me of throwing the oldest child against the wall and punching her in the face, and also tried to get her family to attack me because of it. Luckily her father has some sense. So no, I do not want to be any where around someone like that. Who knows what tomfoolery will come out of her mouth next or how far she'll go with it.
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Post by jaylady999 on Aug 26, 2008 8:41:07 GMT -5
I would have no issues doing events and occasions with BM. Unfortunately, you can't get along by yourself and you can't force anyone else to cooperate if they don't want to. Obviously I am dealing with an immature BM. I would do it soley for the kids' sake, especially the oldest. She really wants her mom and I to get along. But BM's version of Family Day is for me to be far, far away from the family action. exactly. my situation is only peaches and cream concerning where i am the BM(meaning as it concerns my BD and his girlfriend), however, there is no such thing as family anything when it comes to husbands BM. they do EVERYTHING seperate and rightfully so. things would be totally drama filled having it any other way. i totally feel that the BMs in these situations are the ones who set the tone for the situation. if BM is a b*tch, situation will be negative and as the wife, i stay away cuz i dont want nothin to do with that mess. if BM is cool, as in my case where I am the BM, the situation is cool as well. |
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Post by gemmani on Aug 26, 2008 8:54:12 GMT -5
Seriously, I would really love to have a good relationship with BM. Not quite for myself, because I don't think she's the type of person I'd hang with in any other situation, but I'd do it for peace, cooperation, and because the kids would like it.
Like now, I'd like to be able to go to her and and ask her outright if we can take the kids to the wedding. Hell, I'd let her come too. But I know that she's already mad that the event is taking place and would never consent to it. We had to enlist the help of fiance's mother to plan our "sneak attack". We don't mention the date at all. We give the kids false information (like we'll tell them that we still have to book a reception hall. The wedding is in less than 4 weeks, but we don't want BM to know just how close it is. She thinks its next year. ).
If we had a good relationship, we wouldn't have to go through all this mess.
I can hope, right?
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Post by jaylady999 on Aug 26, 2008 9:10:43 GMT -5
Seriously, I would really love to have a good relationship with BM. Not quite for myself, because I don't think she's the type of person I'd hang with in any other situation, but I'd do it for peace, cooperation, and because the kids would like it. Like now, I'd like to be able to go to her and and ask her outright if we can take the kids to the wedding. Hell, I'd let her come too. But I know that she's already mad that the event is taking place and would never consent to it. We had to enlist the help of fiance's mother to plan our "sneak attack". We don't mention the date at all. We give the kids false information (like we'll tell them that we still have to book a reception hall. The wedding is in less than 4 weeks, but we don't want BM to know just how close it is. She thinks its next year. ). If we had a good relationship, we wouldn't have to go through all this mess. I can hope, right? girl, i been there, done that and got the tshirt  we did it exactly the same way and hey, you gotta do what you gotta do so the kids will be there. if your BM is anything like mine, when she finds out yall are actually married, she gone be PISSED. and some of the anger is due to the fact that you are getting married, but most of it will be that you did it behind her back. but whatever, she created the situation, we just had to play the hand that we were dealt. when it was all over and our wedding was posted on youtube, BM family(mother, aunt, brother, etc) got wind of it via myspace and her mother wanted to know why she wasnt invited to the wedding. he had to simply tell her that we couldnt risk anybody in their family knowing about the wedding becuz we had to make sure the kids would be there. its sad, but if thats the way it is, then so be it. the reason BM wont suspect anything as far as the wedding date is becuz she expects you to be petty and flaunt your wedding details to the daughter so they will get back to her, but if she is not really hearing anything, she is assuming it must not be happening anytime soon. keep it that way. its sad you have to go through this, but um, you want the babies to be there. its one day and the memory will last a lifetime, it wont be the same if the babies are not there. |
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Post by tellit on Aug 26, 2008 12:35:45 GMT -5
I feel you gemanni. My DH has 2 BMs. When my SS came to live with us, he told me that he wanted me to get to know his mom because he thought we would like one another. I had met SS' mom once when DH & I were dating. DH took me to the house to visit his son. DH was in his son's bedroom and BM & I stayed in the living room. SS' mom & I had a good time conversating...Absolutely no animosity. SS' mom was remarried and had moved on with her life. When SS came to live with us and he asked me to get to know his mom, I made an effort. To this day (SS is 20 years old now), his mom and I get along. I don't have any problems calling his mom's cell phone to check on my SS and she doesn't have a problem calling my cell phone. We speak to each other like adults...and like friends.
The difference between BM #1 (SS' BM) and BM #2 (SD's BM)? BM #1 was 7 years older than my DH when they got together. BM #1 is a genuine sweet person-she doesn't have to work at it. It is her nature. BM #1 had a HARD life (was a single mom with 4 kids). BM #1 is not looking for anyone to blame...She just keeps on fighting and surviving. She told my MIL that DH was only one of her children's father who EVER did anything for his child. DH paid child support and spent time with his son...And when BM #1 fell on hard times, DH did not hesitate to take his son in and provide for him (well only long enough to discuss it with me). But the VERY next day, DH went to pickup his son. BM #1 and DH went to get son's school records and doc's records. BM #1 gave DH son's birth certificate, SSN, and even her SSN. She provided us with everything that we needed to enroll SS in school in our city. We kept BM #1 updated on her son's school, life...We took SS to visit BM #1 because she did not have a car...BM #1 provided us no support or gas money and we didn't ask--we did it because we realized that it was important for BM #1 to be a part of their son's life even if she could not provide for him at the moment....No drama at all. She, DH, and I sat in her house and laughed and carried on. Absolutely no drama. We all realize that due to THEIR son, our lives are linked.
You are right Jay, the BM most of the time sets the tone in the relationship.
BM #2-that is another story. She is a bitter, manipulative, vindictive woman. Heck, BM #2 attacked BM #1...Go figure. Some people (BM #2) like mess.
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Post by jaylady999 on Aug 26, 2008 13:22:15 GMT -5
that is such a great relationship that you have with BM#1. BM#2 sounds like an entirely different story. your story alone proves that that it is the BM who single handedly dictates the type of relationship two unwed parents face when trying to raise their child together. you got one BM with some sense, situation is all good. and the other BM with no sense, and the relationship yall have with her speaks on it. i have found that my BD goes above and beyond for me when it comes to our child just becuz he loves the relationship he and i have in regards to our son. when he gets bonuses at work (around christmas), so do i and this above and beyond normal child support. and thats just one example. men know when they have a good BM are actually proud of that fact, and they will go out of their way to be just as good to them in return. thanks for sharing your story ;D
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Post by gemmani on Aug 26, 2008 15:13:11 GMT -5
Awwww.......I'm so jealous right now That is such a great situation, Tellit. Wow. See, I KNOW it's possible........with a sane person. If by some chance I break up with my partner and become a BM, that's exactly how I'd want things to be. No jealousy, no animosity. Just two people (and their SO's) raising a child together. Child support, visitation, I wouldn't go to court. I know my fiance is good about that, I witnessed it with BM. I just can't see making my HOME life stressful to seek revenge against my BD. Idk, I don't like prolonged drama. If Bm were to approach me right now and wanted to make amends, I'd be suspicious, hell yeah, but I would accept (while keeping my eyes open). Probably just blowing hot air right now. Can't really see that happening. But I'm going to remain positive (as much as possible) and maybe someday......... |
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these are working relationships at their finest and its nothing but healthy
we did it exactly the same way and hey, you gotta do what you gotta do so the kids will be there. if your BM is anything like mine, when she finds out yall are actually married, she gone be PISSED. and some of the anger is due to the fact that you are getting married, but most of it will be that you did it behind her back. but whatever, she created the situation, we just had to play the hand that we were dealt. when it was all over and our wedding was posted on youtube, BM family(mother, aunt, brother, etc) got wind of it via myspace and her mother wanted to know why she wasnt invited to the wedding. he had to simply tell her that we couldnt risk anybody in their family knowing about the wedding becuz we had to make sure the kids would be there. its sad, but if thats the way it is, then so be it. the reason BM wont suspect anything as far as the wedding date is becuz she expects you to be petty and flaunt your wedding details to the daughter so they will get back to her, but if she is not really hearing anything, she is assuming it must not be happening anytime soon. keep it that way. its sad you have to go through this, but um, you want the babies to be there. its one day and the memory will last a lifetime, it wont be the same if the babies are not there.