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Post by jaylady999 on Aug 26, 2008 15:20:35 GMT -5
Awwww.......I'm so jealous right now  /quote] I know what you mean about the jealousy part of it. sometimes i do wish that things were better on my end of town with the BM. I feel like I am the one to fall back in both my situations. I fall back with BD as to not interrupt his life with his girlfriend(although me and her are pretty cool), and then i fall back when it comes to BM to keep peace in my home. I feel like I am just fallin back all over the place. But hey, my life is at peace, so I guess its all worth it ;D |
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Post by gemmani on Aug 26, 2008 15:25:19 GMT -5
As long as you aren't resentful and you are satisfied with your situation, then it's working for you. When it comes to the kids, I rarely put my foot down about things(except household issues) Its part of being a stepmom, I think. We come into this dynamic and we fall back as we try to find our place in the chaos. As I get more comfortable, I talk to my fiance about anything that bothers me. Its really easy to become a doormat in these situations, isn't it?
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Post by jaylady999 on Aug 26, 2008 15:37:20 GMT -5
Girl let me tell you. My stepdaughter, is your typical little girl. Really sweet, dont bother nobody, minds her business, usually got her head in a book or on the computer or somethin when they come over. now stepson, another story. he is very busy. he's a sweet little boy, but when him and my son get together(they are 2.5 yrs apart), they are your typical boys. well i had to really find my ground with him. i use to find it hard to discipline him mainly cuz i didnt want him runnin back to his mama and it becoming a bigger issue than necessary. then i started to notice the only time he would really get out of hand is if my DH left the house to go to the store or sumthin, then he'd just act up for real. I got in the azz one good time (verbally) and his eyes got buck. This was over the summer(they stayed with us for a month over the summer). And I told his daddy when he got back in and he got in the azz too(him and my son both). I did find myself feeling like a bit of a pushover in the earlier years, and then it took a toll on my son cuz of course I could discipline him, but didnt do it to my stepson and this is even when they were BOTH doing thangs they shouldnt have been. my son would be like  and i felt bad about that. i felt like i was playing favorites when i really wasnt. but i look at it like this: I've put in my time(7 yrs), I've been in their lives since the girl was 3 y/o and the boy was 1.5 y/o, i'v earned my right to lay down the law with them just as I do my own son. DH disciplines my son on the regular with no issues. So i think what you are feeling Imani will come together with more time and it will happen naturally. |
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Post by memyslfni on Aug 26, 2008 16:16:58 GMT -5
Co-parenting only becomes difficult if any one person (bm/bd)makes it that way. Most cases its the woman who has the upper hand in these situations. The "family day scenario" is for the birds..Jaylady, if your bm suggested that your husband, her and the child(ren) spend some quality family time (for the kids sake) Would u not feel funny about the situation? We all know u and bd see eye to eye, but what about in your dh's situation. Would you be ok with that, knowing that his bm hasnt completely moved on with her life? Just a what if question....I'm sure he isnt fool enough to fall for it being that u put him up on most of the games that she plays or has played. Maybe not now, but in the begin of ya'lls relationship would you had let that fly (family day)? My bf bm tries to pull that crap every chance she gets. Now I wouldnt have a problem with it if she could accept the fact that we (bf and I) are together. She put that crap to the test the other day. She had bought tickets and asked bd to take the children to the event. Come on like she wasnt gonna try to slide herself into the trip. Besides why should he only be able to take the kids somewhere when she wants him to? He's not their nanny "Here take the kids to the park" or wherever/whenever I want you to take them. Who the f@&* does she think she is? Anyway while I have detered my attention away from the bm that refuses to cooperate and put it towards the one who is willing to let the kids come over, I think I have made a breakthrough. Of course this is the bm that has a husband (making an attempt to move on with her life) ;D I actually spoke with her over the weekend and she let me speak to her daughters. I must say I felt rather special for the moment. The oldest one just kept goin on and on and when are we going to get them and what disney shows do I like and vice versa. When it comes to bf bm's I try to put myself in their shoes, thats it and thats all. I am a mother too and I must admit bf doesnt do well in the communication department. So that could be one of the reasons the kids havent came to visit just yet....  Well gotta go.. |
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Post by ty1981 on Aug 26, 2008 16:36:28 GMT -5
I got your family right here...you, the kids, my husband and me....guess what we are all family now.....so if we can't all come my immediate family...i.e. me and him don't come.
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Post by jaylady999 on Aug 26, 2008 16:37:34 GMT -5
Co-parenting only becomes difficult if any one person (bm/bd)makes it that way. Most cases its the woman who has the upper hand in these situations. The "family day scenario" is for the birds..Jaylady, if your bm suggested that your husband, her and the child(ren) spend some quality family time (for the kids sake) Would u not feel funny about the situation? of course i would, thats becuz in 7 years, me and her have not formed ANY type of relationship. so yep, i most certainly would feel funny about it. We all know u and bd see eye to eye, but what about in your dh's situation. Would you be ok with that, knowing that his bm hasnt completely moved on with her life? yes, and thats why it wont happen. if she had moved on with her life, this discussion wouldnt be an issue. she would have MOVED ON. and whatever is going on in my household wouldnt phase her. Just a what if question....I'm sure he isnt fool enough to fall for it being that u put him up on most of the games that she plays or has played. Maybe not now, but in the begin of ya'lls relationship would you had let that fly (family day)? if me and her were cool like that, why not? but the type of relationship i have with my BD is by natural progression that began long before i even met my DH. so since our BM/BD was already well and positively established, my now DH fit right on in. my DH and BM have NEVER had that, so them bonding on a family "for the kids sake" type situation would neve happen whether i was in the picture or not My bf bm tries to pull that crap every chance she gets. Now I wouldnt have a problem with it if she could accept the fact that we (bf and I) are together. She put that crap to the test the other day. She had bought tickets and asked bd to take the children to the event. Come on like she wasnt gonna try to slide herself into the trip. Besides why should he only be able to take the kids somewhere when she wants him to? He's not their nanny "Here take the kids to the park" or wherever/whenever I want you to take them. Who the f@&* does she think she is? Anyway while I have detered my attention away from the bm that refuses to cooperate and put it towards the one who is willing to let the kids come over, I think I have made a breakthrough. Of course this is the bm that has a husband (making an attempt to move on with her life) ;D I actually spoke with her over the weekend and she let me speak to her daughters. I must say I felt rather special for the moment. The oldest one just kept goin on and on and when are we going to get them and what disney shows do I like and vice versa. When it comes to bf bm's I try to put myself in their shoes, thats it and thats all. I am a mother too and I must admit bf doesnt do well in the communication department. So that could be one of the reasons the kids havent came to visit just yet.... Well gotta go.. i feel what you are saying and that is the type of situation where that family time is not necessary. it only works if both parties are on the same level. if they are not, then its not even worth it to bother. one party does their thang with the kids and then the other party does also. it doesnt have to be together. in the case of me and my BD, its not always together, but just important events. my husband and BD are friends regardless. my husbands BM and I will never have that type of relationship and i'm ok with that |
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Post by ty1981 on Aug 26, 2008 16:40:51 GMT -5
Jaylady if it were really about "family time" then there is no reason why you shouldn't be invited. Many times this is the BM sad attempt to remind the BD on the life they could have. Most of the time I let my DH go. It reminds him why he didnt marry banana cream pie in the first place....lol.
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Post by jaylady999 on Aug 26, 2008 16:43:42 GMT -5
Jaylady if it were really about "family time" then there is no reason why you shouldn't be invited. Many times this is the BM sad attempt to remind the BD on the life they could have. Most of the time I let my DH go. It reminds him why he didnt marry banana cream pie in the first place....lol. why i shouldnt be invited to what? i think i am confused on what you are trying to say here. i have never been not invited to anything. when it comes to DH and his children, me and him do our own family thing with them and BM does hers on her own(most of the time, she doesnt do anything, esp when it comes to birthdays) |
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Post by ty1981 on Aug 26, 2008 16:50:24 GMT -5
I was saying if it BM was really concerned with family time she would include you in the invitation.
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Post by jaylady999 on Aug 26, 2008 16:54:31 GMT -5
I was saying if it BM was really concerned with family time she would include you in the invitation. she dont even get the invitation. LOL. we do our thang, she does hers, whatever that is. its not like DH and BM do family thing. i am his wife, therefore his family. and if my BD was not the person he was, we'd treat him the same way. |
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Post by youknowwhatitis on Aug 26, 2008 20:00:03 GMT -5
I disagree that different rules apply because you're dating other people. Those other people are NOT important....the child is. The goal of parenting is to do what's in the best interest of the CHILD. Not your newfound SO which may depending on the relationship come and go. If you SO is too weak to deal with the situation......sounds like to me you ain't got s*h*it.
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Post by youknowwhatitis on Aug 26, 2008 20:08:55 GMT -5
Listening to ya'll is why I want to marry a man with no kids. Bm drama becomes extra when you SO trying to weigh in and give their two cents on the situation. The child belongs to BM and BD they ONLY should make decisions about the well being of the child. My opinion. I used to date a guy before I had a kid with a kid and his BM got over on him like crazy.......but he put up with it in hopes of getting her back..........she wasn't about anything, high school drop out, smoked weed etc. But I just loved his daughter Aaliyah. I hated that her mom was such as bum. We he had her birthday party he didn't invite me because she was going to be there. I wasn't offended I knew he had feelings for her I really considered that I wouldn't want to be in the middle of that. But they still did things for Liyah as we called her together. Even though BM had a live in Boyfriend with whom her and the child stayed (lived) with. BM to me was way out of line but if I told him and he kept dealing with it at least I told him I did my part. But I always accepted him and their relationship......I was never insecure because I felt like if she can take him that just means he wasn't for me. Point blank.........I'm not saying throw your man to the wolves but the MEN do have a CHOICE in the matter.
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Post by tellit on Aug 26, 2008 20:24:42 GMT -5
I used to date a guy before I had a kid with a kid and his BM got over on him like crazy.......but he put up with it in hopes of getting her back.... I wasn't offended I knew he had feelings for her I really considered that I wouldn't want to be in the middle of that. But they still did things for Liyah as we called her together. Even though BM had a live in Boyfriend with whom her and the child stayed (lived) with. BM to me was way out of line but if I told him and he kept dealing with it at least I told him I did my part. But I always accepted him and their relationship.... I am sorry youknow...You dated a man who you KNEW was trying to get his BM back??? Well, why deal with a man who you know was trying to be with another woman? It doesn't sound like you made a healthy decision in the first place. At least you got out of it eventually. Most of our regulars are not in relationships with men who are still pining over their BMs. On the contrary, they are trying to make BM's realize that the relationship is and has been over. I agree that some men cause BMD by trying to go back and forth between the BM and other women, the men only do so because the women (BM, GF, SO) allow it to occur. The BM and the other woman can cut out the drama by cutting off the no good man. But there are some BDs who have no interest in the BM other than working out a way to see their child(ren). Each situation is different. |
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Post by jaylady999 on Aug 26, 2008 20:36:48 GMT -5
I disagree that different rules apply because you're dating other people. Those other people are NOT important....the child is. The goal of parenting is to do what's in the best interest of the CHILD. Not your newfound SO which may depending on the relationship come and go. If you SO is too weak to deal with the situation......sounds like to me you ain't got s*h*it. um, when it comes to the children, of course BM and BD do what they have to in the best interest of the child (at least they are supposed to), but what i am speaking of is above and beyond what is necessary for the child. my sons father and i doing things together with our son when he was way younger is not something we HAD to do. so therefore not really necessary in being effective parents. two parents do not HAVE to do things with the child as a family if the parents are not together. it doesnt hurt if they do, but it wasnt necessary. and when S/O are involved and it poses a problem, its not that serious. and in my case, my DH was the first man I ever brought around my son anyway, so for him to get that far meant that i anticipated him being in my life for the long haul. anyone i dated within the first 3 yrs of my sons life never even laid eyes on him anyway. |
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Post by gemmani on Aug 27, 2008 7:56:30 GMT -5
Sigh. My fiance and I always have the kids best interest in mind. Their mother doesn't. The kids are aware that mommy and daddy don't get along. The kids are important. Our relationship is important. We nuture both. BM is the one with the issue. Therefore, there is no joint anything when it comes to parties and events. Why? 1. Fiance can't stand her. Thinks she's scum (his words, not mine). 2. He won't stand for her trying to exclude me from anything. Even when BM and her family was harrassing him about dating me (remember BM accused me of abusing the oldest child), threatening to "take him out", BM yelling and cursing and threating to call CPS, He refused to back down. He stands up for our relationship every single time. 3. She's still in love with him (again, not my words. she said it to him on a voicemail.) He doesn't ever want her to think they have a chance again.
Family day wouldn't be an issue if she were normal. I wouldn't mind it. But I'll be d**ned if BM thinks she can just use my man "for the kids". She can keep her event tickets and dinner reservations (to talk about the kids, of course.) She really feels that I am some passing fad, and that when fiance gets his head straight he'll come back. She's been wishing this for 2 years now.
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/quote]
and i felt bad about that. i felt like i was playing favorites when i really wasnt. but i look at it like this: I've put in my time(7 yrs), I've been in their lives since the girl was 3 y/o and the boy was 1.5 y/o, i'v earned my right to lay down the law with them just as I do my own son. DH disciplines my son on the regular with no issues. So i think what you are feeling Imani will come together with more time and it will happen naturally. 
Well gotta go..