Inviting BD to son's Birthday Party

[youknowwhatitis]

So after much debate I decided to invite BD to son's 2nd birthday party. I invited him via text message and he promptly declined.......threatened me with his lawyer etc. Just a bunch of bull......I have accepted that his mentality and mind is just way messed up and that he is not my fix up project so he's own his own. I just decided to be the bigger person so I won't be the reason son doesn't have a relationship with his father.

The text messages went something like this:

-Baby J will be having a 2nd birthday party. You are welcome to come if you would like. I'll send you an invitation in themai.

Bd: Why are you even talking to me you're a some timey bum I want no part of you. Take your child support and get you a lawyer.

-BD then sends 3 more text's messages like the above.

BD: I'll pass why do you act like you wanna talk to me.

BD: Think stupid I"m not gonna be your buddy for one day out of 365 will he be my son the other 364.....think not

BD: I can't get him away from you don't write or text me or invite or anything you're getting child support....I would've spent thousands on him.

*Im thinking yeah right.......if he doesn't want to talk to me.........why are you still texting me after you have declined to come to the party

BD: When you act like the girl I used to like then Ill come not now thanks but I'm cool. One day don't suffice being a dad...I'll be when you let me.

BD: I don't need supervision with my own son.

BD: My lawyer said it's not good to talk to you he won't see me because of you.

My response:

-I've matured as a woman and really it's about baby j not you or me. I'm inviting you for him not any ulterior motives. You are still welcome to visit him.

-I've never stopped you from being a dad I don't control that you do. You can always visit baby j and let him get to know you. Then he won't be scared to go and spend with you.

In response to the him saying he doesn't need supervison (keep in mind he has a brain injury and his text's have been edited by me to get out what I believe he was trying to say in the text. :

-You don't get it's so sad it's about baby j not you. It's about baby j feeling comfortable not you. I'm done with it. I'll send the invite you do what you do.

-You are welcome to take any legal action you would like. I am not hurt, mad or offended by it. I You are welcome to your legal rights. It'll probably be better.

8-10 minutes later: After probably talking to mom or sister he responds:

BD: Ok, we gone play your game is the going to lead up to keeping my son on the weekends sometime?

*OK, I'm thinking now.........didn't you just say your lawyer said it's not good to talk to me. Why are you still texting. First you were taking me to court, now we (who the hell is we....I'm talking to you) are going to do things my way. WTF? This man obviously has problems.

My response: Let's start somewhere and see what happens.

BD: Ok bet thank you.

***You go from insulting me to thanking me........let's be for real.

Will he really show up at the party??? Most importantly will he show up empty handed? Real talk the disrespect has got to go.....if BD causes a problem, commotion, is disrespectful or rude to me or my child or family....it is SOOO over. He will definitely need to be calling his lawyer because I'm not dealing with any drama. I will cut him plain off.

My synapsis: BD is plain crazy, vengeful, immature, and really interested in our son. More so trying to hinder me. Stupid fool should've learned from the accident...but a fool is a fool. I don't really want him around my son but son does need to know who his father is....I would like him to but I'm through being the bigger person after this. If it's any confusion, drama, disrespect he is totally cut off. I am not iniating visits, or calling or anything else he is welcome to visit if he want's at my grandma's house when I am not there for a few hours once a week if he chooses. I really don't think he will............if so it's because sis and mom are coaching him to do this or that. I feel as if I have done my duty as a mom and the rest is on him.......and given his behavior and character..........I'm just going to give him enough rope to hang himself. I would love for him to do the right thing but I can feel it in my spirit..........he won't. But hey I did my part. Question's, comments, thoughts appreciated.....especially from those who have dealt with this type of scenario before.

[youknowwhatitis]

My bad i meant not really interested in our son.

[jaylady999]

this man sounds like a typical BD who has a BM who has made such an issue of a child support check that it seemed like thats all you wanted. thats the impression you left on this site as well. it sounds like you have alienated him and i can only imagine that how you are in real life is probably 10 times worse than what you portray yourself in this forum. neither you nor him are putting your son first. and that is the real tradgedy here

[bmdramaof2]

That's sad! you did the right thing to invite him that was very kind of you. He should take it for what it is being there for his son. Nice Work

[memyslfni]

I must say, I'm surprised of the fact that U swallowed ur pride for the sake of the child...Youknow even if he does show up empty handed and doesnt start a commotion, it would be a big step towards positive co-parenting...My advise...When U send that invitation out is to add: And Family...Give his folks the opportunity to get to know you and ur motives...Who knows what he tells them...By this, I think they'll see u r not the enemy...By the way U did a gr8 job blocking out his ignorante remarks...(kinda how we deal with our bm's)...He sounds like he's got a bit of anger bottled up as well..But it doesnt have to be that way.. ;D Keep in mind god isn't just working on U.. Hope all goes well...and think it will.

[Chalan]

From the text messages it appears as though he is tired of playing your games. His relationship with his son can not and will not be the relationship you want it to be but you need to allow a relationship for your son. He clearly stated that you would allow him this visit but not possible future visits. I think this does more harm than good where the child is concerned.

You sound so resentful from past posts. No need to further discuss that because it is what it is.

If you are serious with your intentions, it will show. Sometimes we have to earn respect from others when we have lost it. Your past actions showed you wanted to teach him a lesson, show him who is boss. That isn't necessary. Give him a chance to be a father without the restraints.

I do agree that your son needs to spend time with him on your turf until he becomes a little more comfortable. This doesn't mean 6 months of you all meeting. Maybe you could meet in a park where your soon could see you. This way the BD gets some alone time with him while you still get to keep a watchful eye.

[youknowwhatitis]

Thanks memyself and bmdrama for the positive remarks. Apparently some people on the board (wives) are bitter with me for some reason. I am not your BM........stop trying to color my situation with how YOU feel about your BM. I've never alienated my son...........if I did I wouldn't even be inviting him now. I invited him and family to his baby dedication when he was 1 year old they declined to come. Every picture they have of him....professionally done..........I bought and I sent them. So don't give me that crap. All you hear on the board is my ranting and ravings.........I this is a discussion/vent board so I am allowed to rant/rave/pregnant dog. Somethings I have been very right about other's maybe wrong. But unlike some of you I don't judge you as a person because of how you emotionally feel about a situation......emotions can change..........that's how you can say one thing one post and feel another way 2 hours later on another post. Sometimes in life you have to wade through your emotions to get to the root of the issue. Regardless of your so called issue with me............I am making progress..........no matter how crazy I may appear or sound in the meantime......after awhile it will all come together. I plan on working as a travel RN so son and I will not even always be close to BD but he is welcome to keep in contact with son and visit him if he likes. When son is older............if he want's he can go and visit his dad. But when it all boils down....CP and NCP parents rights are not equal.......I am the BOSS when it comes to my son because I know by my ACTION's I am the parent who really has cared for him, loved him, sacrificed for him, and really has his best interest at heart. No I'm not perfect..........but I'm not supposed to be....and for the record you aren't either. But thank you to those who continue to be supportive even if we clash on certain topics and who left positive remarks.

-Youknowwhatitis

[sbimiss]

I agree with Chalan. You may never be able to forget or even forgive the things that BD has done to you and your son. The many times that you felt he wronged you and your son, time and time again, will never be put to rest unless you do so. Remember that anger inside of you exudes whether you know it or not. Others sense this, including your child. Hence, the reaction you get from others, including BD and his family. As much as it bothers you and angers you, you have to let it go. Those are things that can never change nor be fixed. Sometimes, you have to give people enough room to do what they have to do. They may not do it in the way you want them to but, it will get done. It's understandable you want to control this situation and fight for what's right because indeed, this is YOUR son you're talking about but, you can not continue to pick apart every little incident that happens with BD and/or his family. It will only lead you in circles. Those same circles cause bitterness and anger inside of you.

I think he will show up to this party for a short visit. I think you should do what's right and send out the invitation. If it goes unanswered or overlooked...that's ok because you did the right thing. Nothing needs to be said after that. Just continue to leave options open for him to see his son. That alone is the fair thing to do for your son.

There is only one way for this to work out.....you have to give him the opportunity with little to no restrictions to have a relationship with his son. Of course, you need to make sure that your son is comfortable. Hopefully, he will show to this party and it will give you a little confidence in letting him spend time with his son alone. It is obvious by his statements that there is some serious animosity between the both of you. I don't think things need to be made clear. The both of you fully well know where you both are wrong and right. He doesn't seem that he will be doing much on your terms at all even if he wants to for his son....he most likely won't. This is more so because of the expectations and restrictions you have put upon this man and his family.Your intentions may be good but, they have def. come across negatively.

I have seen your willingness to change your situation and with that, I hope that change comes for you soon for the sake of your son.

[jaylady999]

Thanks memyself and bmdrama for the positive remarks. Apparently some people on the board (wives) are bitter with me for some reason. I am not your BM........stop trying to color my situation with how YOU feel about your BM.

sorry sweetie, my BM is not an issue for me. whatever issue there WAS was between DH and BM. my post was directed towards you and all the bitter spiteful things you've said concerning your BD and his family

I've never alienated my son...........if I did I wouldn't even be inviting him now. I invited him and family to his baby dedication when he was 1 year old they declined to come. Every picture they have of him....professionally done..........I bought and I sent them. So don't give me that crap. All you hear on the board is my ranting and ravings.........I this is a discussion/vent board so I am allowed to rant/rave/pregnant dog. Somethings I have been very right about other's maybe wrong. But unlike some of you I don't judge you as a person because of how you emotionally feel about a situation......emotions can change..........that's how you can say one thing one post and feel another way 2 hours later on another post. Sometimes in life you have to wade through your emotions to get to the root of the issue. Regardless of your so called issue with me............I am making progress..........no matter how crazy I may appear or sound in the meantime......after awhile it will all come together. I plan on working as a travel RN so son and I will not even always be close to BD but he is welcome to keep in contact with son and visit him if he likes. When son is older............if he want's he can go and visit his dad. But when it all boils down....CP and NCP parents rights are not equal.......I am the BOSS when it comes to my son because I know by my ACTION's I am the parent who really has cared for him, loved him, sacrificed for him, and really has his best interest at heart. No I'm not perfect..........but I'm not supposed to be....and for the record you aren't either. But thank you to those who continue to be supportive even if we clash on certain topics and who left positive remarks.

i am not going to sugar coat things for you and anyone else on this board. the bitterness you've spewed throughout this entire board just wreaks of the way you come across to BD. I konw he is no angel in your situation, but two wrongs dont right it. As a mother and having full custody of your son, it is your responsiblity not to focus on the negative, which you have a hard time doing and your son will definitely see this as he gets older. for his sake, i hope God is working on you and is successful in his work with you. peace

[youknowwhatitis]

Sbmiss...........BD has always been controlled his whole life....that's all he knows. When we were together........I ran the show..........he was with me for years..........the problem isn't BD........he is a puppet. The problem is BD's mom and sister point blank. BD was absolutely fine with everything until BD's mom and sister started putting their two cents in. Sad thing is they don't even know me not really. Maybe what BD said out of anger or jealousy but they don't really know. They just know that they can't run me............and it's that very thing that they can't stand.

BD's mom and sis are the one's who were upset telling him I "tricked him into signing baby's birth certificate," "telling him he needs to get a DNA test done." He knew that was his son that's why he signed the birth certificate and was at the hospital and my baby shower etc. I say this not to keep going over the same argument but to say that if you have people who are constantly feeding you negative thoughts about the situation, the child, the mom etc those people truly couldn't have the child's or even your best interest at heart. Why would your own mother and sister try to alienate you from your own child and BM........not that it's about me but dealing with me in regards to the child. The only conclusion that I can come to about the situation is that mom and sis have a personal problem with me and blame my son and I for BD's present condition. Also mom upset because I'm getting BD's SSA money and she's his payee for his SSA.....she wanted him to get all the money..........so she could get it and attempt to ration it out to me and try to control the situation for her own gain. I was not having it because I am grown and my mama don't have any say about what I do or don't do anymore it's called being an adult. However, his mom still seems to feel that she can interfere in his personal life and apparently he's too weak of a person to stand up to them. Thank God my son is strong willed like me we will not be RAN. Sbmiss..... I have looked for the logic in this situation and that is all I could come up with it's about control and money. I may add I took care of my son his whole 1st year of life without any financial help from BD so I can hold my OWN. But the truth is those people have a personal vendetta against me for no good reason and yes I am angry about it and I do feel compelled to defend myself but I am learning to not even bother with trying to reason with them.......they see what they want to see period. I just don't want my son to pick up anything of their ignorant ways.......best way to do it is to keep him away from them. But he will want to know his father one day and I don't want to deny him the opportunity.......I'll just have to raise son right so when he hears the BS he'll be quick to identify it as BS and let him make his own decision regarding them. If I do my job as a mother well...........I know he'll decide well. Thanks for the encouraging words.

[youknowwhatitis]

Hey jaylady..........angry people say mean and spiteful things......their Angry...get over it.

[jaylady999]

i am over it. see... ;D

[Chalan]

Youknow, I don’t know you but your anger and bitterness are clearly defined in your discussions. Like you said, this board is for opinions. Why get mad if one doesn’t agree with you? I for one can only comment on what comes across in your writings. At times you remind me of my BFs BM. When things do not go her way, she utters two words with regards to me, jealousy and insecurity. Everything becomes my fault. Well…I guess I have all the power and didn’t realize it. Well here are some known facts. 1. Having a baby does not make a man stay. 2. You can not dedicate how another person should act. In the end, they will be who they are and do what they want.

Let it go. You said you were taking strides and maturing. Do you. This stuff is going to eat you up if you don’t let it go. We all make mistakes BUT we should have a chance to rectify the situation.

[hope4freedom]

Um......well, as a BD Fiancee', I certainly don't see anything wrong with you inviting the BD to the party. Just my opinion. If it were my BF's BM sending it to him - that may be a different story.

All I can say is that it sucks that the world has so many control freaks. It seems that becomes the root of the BD, BM issue. My Fiancee' is also a big pushover that has been controlled by his BM and own Mother since they were ever in his presence. And this, has alot to do with the BMD.

If your intentions were pure I see no reason why not. And if he wanted his family to come with he could have texted you back and asked. Had my Fiancee's BM EVER DONE THIS, I would have gladly accepted.......of course....before I knew the other side of her.

I know that not all BM's are MAD and CRAZY. I haven't read all your rants but, you have the right to be angry just like anyone else. INCLUDING ME.

[youknowwhatitis]

Well chance given.............the ball is in his court no longer will I be used as the scape goat for who and what he really is. I cannot control the type of man he is but I can control the type of man my son becomes. It just a jealousy issue. I have my own house, own car, will be an RN soon, successful single mom. Some people just live to try to upset and harm other people just watch the news and unfortunately some times they are the people closest to us. Jealousy is very cruel. As a mom I understand his moms concern about him when he was injured but truth be told she was a Sh*tty mom and that's the real reason why he's in the shape he's in now. But of course she'd rather blame me than herself.....Of course sis would rather blame me than her mom. So real talk it'll never be a peaceful relationship and I expect them to hate on me......I am a BAD B*TCH I know people will and expect them to hate on me. I just think I may have been a little to sensitive about the whole thing when it all started but it all worked out for my son's favor. Because I've been dealing with all the mess...........his life has been drama free..........and I will keep it that way at all costs. But I'll just keep praying that BD will either change or move away from his mom and sister and get around some positive encouraging people who encourage him to be a father and not just think about himself. I guess it is hard for them knowing that I'm getting his money and I got his baby, and I got my house, I'm getting an education and I'm not even in the slightest slipping in any area of my life.......that they can tell in. I guess that would anger them. I am no hold's barred when you cross that line.....I might go GANGSTA on you...........it's in me I just don't use it. So I guess yeah their pretty bitter. I guess it does bother them that he's not the same anymore and I guess their angry because it doesn't bother me (it does) but I have good acting skills they wouldn't know cause I can be COLD as ICE. But I think they don't realize this put a strain on me too.....this hurt me too......me even more so than my son because he doesn't even know anything went on. Can you imagine something like that happening right after you had your 1st child via c-section. Emotions not back together yet, body not back together yet and you have to put your whole life back together plus take care of your child alone and deal with drama from the BD's family. No, they just see it from their perspective. They haven't walked a mile in my shoes......and I don't think either of them could.