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Post by jaylady999 on Aug 17, 2008 11:09:53 GMT -5
oh dont get me wrong Tellit, i know where you are coming from with this. i had all those same problems earlier on in my relationship, years ago. i totally agree that BM's can be a complete handfull and that the mass majority of girlfriends/wives have to deal with a lot of unnecessary garbage at the hand of the BM. and it has nothing to do with feeling threatened by her position in our man's life. i will say this a million times, the BM drama i have had has been minimal in comparison to some of the stories i have read on here. and i know if i were in the position of most of you ladies, i would react the same way. i also believe in some delusional way that the BM in your situation is definitely waiting for you and yours to break up becuz she feels he does rightfully belong to her since she had his child(ren). the whole thing is just really sad, but i agree with your assessment. my post was moreso for youknowwhat in explaining that insecurity on the part of the new girlfriend/wife is not always the issue. in most of the cases on this board alone, it is not the issue at all
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Post by jaylady999 on Aug 17, 2008 12:09:06 GMT -5
that is a perfect example of the mindset of the BM that you are dealing with, that she is calling to share her accomplishments, but not those of the child they have together. its just sad and selfish. and at the end of the day, as i have done and will continue to do, all we can do is pray for some of these sad bitter women.  thanks so much for sharing!  |
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Post by sbimiss on Aug 17, 2008 13:52:19 GMT -5
I think a lot of things that were said about this topic solidifies my thoughts about some BMs. It is not that the wife/gf is jealous, it is that no woman, BM or not, should be overstepping boundaries of any man's life much less his relationship to say the least. For every action there is a reaction. If BM says and does things that are to the extreme then it is only expected that there will be a reaction from the wife/gf. Yes, BM may be the mother of his child but, she is not the ruler of his life. I don't think she deserves any better treatment or entitlement. If she takes advantage of any rights then they should be revoked i.e. access/restrictions to phone numbers. I think by explaining this as a matter of jealousy or control on behalf of the gf/wife is nothing short of an ignorant answer.
Bitter is putting it nicely! I wonder if they all seem to think or have the train of thought that the wife/gf is jealous or is trying to control the situation? Doesn't it cross their mind that if you try to overstep boundaries especially boundaries that do not pertain to the child that you are definitely going to get negative reactions from the wives/gfs and even BD? It's almost as if they are playing a mind game with themselves in a sense.
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Post by youknowwhatitis on Aug 17, 2008 18:16:02 GMT -5
So yes tellit..........your BD want's your BM but if he does not want her as you say and are SECURE in that why are you worried or even the slightest concerned about her crossing the line....GUESS WHAT PEOPLE WHO WANT YOUR MAN CROSS THE LINE. You attempt to check as much as you want................but if their gonna persist..................their gonna persist. Why worry about if you are as solid with DH as you say...........who the h*ll cares that BM is over the top. You can't stop her..........or you would've by now. Your negative reaction is only a sign to BM that she's getting to you............hmmmm probably 50% of her goal and she knows she can use him to pick your buttons and create drama for you all. What she did was not ridiculous....it was strategy to piss you off and make you notice and talk about her and which of course...........she loves for you all to talk about her..........hmmmmm maybe that's partly why she's over the top. HMMMM...................maybe that's why she's always sharing her accomplishments..........she's forcing herself to be the third wheel in your relationship for venomous purposes.
Your point is she should just move on and live and her own life and not be silly. Problem with that is that is her childs dad and she doesn't want to let you forget it..............just like you dont want to let her forget you all are married. Plus some people just thrive on drama.
*But still in all a lot of gf's and wifey's are intimidated by the BM period.
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Post by jaylady999 on Aug 17, 2008 18:38:05 GMT -5
So yes tellit..........your BD want's your BM but if he does not want her as you say and are SECURE in that why are you worried or even the slightest concerned about her crossing the line....GUESS WHAT PEOPLE WHO WANT YOUR MAN CROSS THE LINE. You attempt to check as much as you want................but if their gonna persist..................their gonna persist. Why worry about if you are as solid with DH as you say...........who the h*ll cares that BM is over the top. You can't stop her..........or you would've by now. Your negative reaction is only a sign to BM that she's getting to you............hmmmm probably 50% of her goal and she knows she can use him to pick your buttons and create drama for you all. What she did was not ridiculous....it was strategy to piss you off and make you notice and talk about her and which of course...........she loves for you all to talk about her hate to admit this, but she does have a point here. i've never thrived off of the BM drama that my hubby goes through. i listen to him as he tells me about it, but have never reacted towards her. but then again, she's never directly confronted me either. so she stays on her side of the fence and i stay on mine. |
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Post by Tellit on Aug 17, 2008 18:45:10 GMT -5
So yes tellit..........your BD want's your BM but if he does not want her as you say and are SECURE in that why are you worried or even the slightest concerned about her crossing the line....GUESS WHAT PEOPLE WHO WANT YOUR MAN CROSS THE LINE. You attempt to check as much as you want................but if their gonna persist..................their gonna persist. Why worry about if you are as solid with DH as you say...........who the h*ll cares that BM is over the top. You can't stop her..........or you would've by now. Your negative reaction is only a sign to BM that she's getting to you............hmmmm probably 50% of her goal and she knows she can use him to pick your buttons and create drama for you all. What she did was not ridiculous....it was strategy to piss you off and make you notice and talk about her and which of course...........she loves for you all to talk about her..........hmmmmm maybe that's partly why she's over the top. HMMMM...................maybe that's why she's always sharing her accomplishments..........she's forcing herself to be the third wheel in your relationship for venomous purposes. Your point is she should just move on and live and her own life and not be silly. Problem with that is that is her childs dad and she doesn't want to let you forget it..............just like you dont want to let her forget you all are married. Plus some people just thrive on drama. *But still in all a lot of gf's and wifey's are intimidated by the BM period.So based on your professional BM evaluation of my situation, BM is trying to get DH & my attention. That's real mature. But, we wives, girlfriends, and fiancees are childish. Okay-that makes sense. And further, BM's need for attention is to remind me that she has a child by him...Okay, that makes even more sense. Wait! I thought wives/girlfriends/fiancees were the INSECURE ones. But, BM is so secure that she has to show out to get her attention. Your summation makes BM sound like she is 5 years old. So, she IS really mature in a 5 year old kind of way. As far as BD wanting BM-alright he wants her. He WANTS her to stop acting so childish, vindictive, bitter and spiteful and think about her child. But some BMs prove that some people's mental age is at least 20 years younger than their physical age. She can only act her age. |
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Post by youknowwhatitis on Aug 17, 2008 19:27:57 GMT -5
That is your particular BM.................gf's and wifeys responding with the same antics as them is CHILDISH. You all are the one's preaching self-respect..........so show yourself some and quit stooping to her level.
Who said your DH wanted her.............he did at one time.
It makes perfectly good sense if you understand that some people are just ignorant and will go as far with it as YOU let them.......my dad once told me something about the streets....he said if you let people know something bothers you......they'll keep doing it. But if you act like it doesn't phase you......it will eventually get boring to them.
My professional point is.........your reaction is what she thrives on. Not all people are mature.....the stories we hear about on the board is proof of that. But we can control ourselves and our reactions to other peoples ignorance.
Point in blank: cause this discussion is starting to get boring.
BM has no power over your feelings unless you give it to her....and even when she does bother you......act like she doesn't.
Same for me if im a BM dealing with a loon wifey who thinks her newfound position is going to change the way I operate.......can't stoop to her level....can't let her know I"m trippin because she will only continue. Sometimes you just gotta be HARD.
If you try to regulate.........it's a signal you might be intimidated.
Not changing the way you operate as a BM because of new person is not being difficult it's keeping your affairs separate from theirs. Me personally I would never be the loon BM some of you have but I WOULD NOT tolerate some gf or wifey attempting to tell me what line I could call, what I could talk to BD about or how to raise my son. It's called interference.
And it is no better than Bm trying to tell him who he can have the kids around, etc.
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Post by Tellit on Aug 17, 2008 19:59:08 GMT -5
hate to admit this, but she does have a point here. i've never thrived off of the BM drama that my hubby goes through. i listen to him as he tells me about it, but have never reacted towards her. but then again, she's never directly confronted me either. so she stays on her side of the fence and i stay on mine. For the first almost three years of our marriage-never even spoke with BM...drama still there. I listened to DH-saw him frustrated...BM made comments and caused drama. I heard about it through DH and MIL. No reaction from me. Absolutely none. I never even let on that I knew about her stupidity. DH and I went to pickup SD-I stayed in the car while he went inside. That fool used to hang out her window yelling at me...No reaction at all. I did not even acknowledge her. BM reached out to me...Kept sending messages to me through MIL. I ignored the messages...Didn't want to be bothered. BM has said things to me in addition to assaulting me. Even after she and I tried to mend fences, BM was still sneaky. When I realized that-I treated her with the long handled sthingy but never even personally reacted to her. I just discussed it with DH. When BM tried to talk to me, I sent her to DH. But, when she said something disrespectful, I let my DH know how I felt... BM even attacked my DH's other BM-has his oldest son. BM #1 is a sweetheat. She and I get along great. BM attacked BM #1 when DH and BM were dating. BM #1 is a quiet kind of person who doesn't bother anyone. In a nutshell, BM is ghetto (didn't want to say it). My MIL who has known her since high school says that BM is obsessed with my DH. She has gotten into several fights with other women over BD. Of course, MIL shared this with me AFTER BM attacked me...I wish she had told me BEFORE or I would have been more careful walking to my car. I did not expect that nut to be hiding in the woods waiting on me to come out of the house. I never spoke to BM in an angry manner until the day she attacked me. The fool called my house talking mess. BM had nerve enough to tell me that she has driven by my house to see if I was at home or with DH. I told then future DH. DH confronted BM. I got attacked-in that order. I found out later that BM has history of this type of behavior. I did not know that or I would have been more careful walking to my car. Perhaps have hired a police escort. LOL. It appears as though your DH's BMD has been directed at him. WHEN BMs ATTACK (LOL), it makes a big difference in your reaction to it. I digress. My point is that a fool is going to be a fool whether a person reacts to it or not. I have rarely reacted to BM's foolishness but it still persists. Sometimes you have to learn to laugh at situations that are beyond your control. |
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Post by ty1981 on Aug 26, 2008 15:19:27 GMT -5
Tellit
Banana cream pie has been waiting for 18yrs. One marriage and one engagement later....she is still waiting. I could never let anyone control my life like that. I love my fiancee...but if he wanted to bounce...I would chuck him the dueces and be on my marry way. Thing of it is you think of her as rational and she is nowhere near rational. Anyone who could delude themselves for 12 yrs obviously doesnt have it all up there.
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Post by jaylady999 on Aug 26, 2008 15:30:06 GMT -5
Tellit Banana cream pie has been waiting for 18yrs. One marriage and one engagement later....she is still waiting. I could never let anyone control my life like that. I love my fiancee...but if he wanted to bounce...I would chuck him the dueces and be on my marry way. Thing of it is you think of her as rational and she is nowhere near rational. Anyone who could delude themselves for 12 yrs obviously doesnt have it all up there. that is so true. anyone who would slow or stop her life for a man who has clearly moved in with his life is delusional to say the least. i feel sorry for any woman who is so bent up over a man(and his new woman) that she cant do what she needs to do in her own life, let alone for her children. |
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Post by gemmani on Aug 26, 2008 15:46:11 GMT -5
I think your comments fall on deaf ears....... It's hard to listen to what you don't want to hear. But I agree with the previous posters, hands down.
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Post by gemmani on Aug 26, 2008 15:47:51 GMT -5
For the record, I have no freaking clue why Youknow insists that we are "intimidated" by BM. Why? Because she has a uterus? Get off it, that thought just makes you feel better at night.
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Post by jaylady999 on Aug 26, 2008 15:55:18 GMT -5
For the record, I have no freaking clue why Youknow insists that we are "intimidated" by BM. Why? Because she has a uterus? Get off it, that thought just makes you feel better at night. YOU DIDNT? ;D honestly though i think a lot of BM's feel that way. That the new woman feels intimidated by the fact that they have had children together. Its crazy. How much effort does it take to get pregnant and have a baby. The real job is to put that child first in your life even before yourself. Its funny, thats the part most BM's dont know how to do. |
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Post by ty1981 on Aug 26, 2008 16:31:16 GMT -5
So I didn't lay down and have two kids out of wedlock......I'm so intimidated that i'm not a baby making machine. I spent my whole life without you or your kids but I just have to have that now.....silly,silly,silly.
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Post by daddyinpdx on Aug 26, 2008 19:02:41 GMT -5
I digress. My point is that a fool is going to be a fool whether a person reacts to it or not. I have rarely reacted to BM's foolishness but it still persists. Sometimes you have to learn to laugh at situations that are beyond your control.
Tellit,
I'm sorry, couldn't no baby mama be putting her hands on me. I had one situation where my ex's BD was selling wolf tickets about me going to my SS baseball games. I told dude that a "Hero ain't nothing but a sandwich."
Don't hate the player, hate the game.
Now I have to agree with you knowwhatthisis:
Some wives and girl friends do get insecure about the position of the baby mama. A lot of this has to do with the history of both BD/BM.
I see GF/wives that are jealous when the BD/BM are better friends seperated than when they are feuding.
For example, I 've seen BM who are always able to talk with their BD about their own (BM) relationship issues, emotional issues, and small talk. It's like both BD/BM have never seperated.
BM usually milk this when it happens and wrongfully so. BM will send BD cards, lil trinkets, and go by the ex inlaws to maintain their place in the family.
This happens sometimes even without the BD being aware and how it affects the present wife or girlfriend. Then all hell brakes loose at the house and the new wife closes the "promise" land for lack of communication about the issue.
The present wife confronts her husband because she may feel insecure, while the DH may feel that the wife is either jealous of nagging.
alll the while the BM becomes the Delila as her ex lays upon her lap and spills the beans about his marrital issues. It's just a divorce waiting to happen.
Out of the heart comes the issues of life.
Conclusion: When the BD/BM relationship is good, wives have a great potetential to become envious (especially if the new wife does not know who she is)
The wife/girlfriend is rarely jealous when there is BM Drama. The only exception is when the BM left the DH and the DH still is attracted to the BM.
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thanks so much for sharing! 