You all CANT be serious!

[yvonneb]

Ladies and Gentleman of the site, or in some cases boys and girls.

I have read around and can tell this is a pretty new site and mean no harm to anyone but let me explain my disgust. Many of you are on here acting selfishly and as if you have never added fuel to a fire. People don't act a certain way without just cause after all life is a perpetual instruction in cause and effect., be it lost love, jealousy, envy, etc etc. More likely than not the "baby mama" is upset because she still feels love, or betrayal. She may not admit it but we all know it, especially as the new woman we understand her heart.

Now as the new woman and knowing deep down inside how this woman feels instead of ignoring the fact you understand you possibly antagonize her and express your anger, hurt, rage or even obvious insecurities by doing things either consciously or sub consciously. Don't try and deny it, I wont because as the new woman that's exactly what I did until I realized that my life with my man was not going to get any better unless I started acting like a WOMAN and got over the fact that my man had/has a past and she's a part of it and in some ways a part of his future.

So here's what I did, I finally got this woman to sit down with me just the two of us and hash it out. Try and understand each others emotions, and then guess what LET IT GO! learn that we can be like Bruce & Ashton and here's the biggest kicker ALL WITH GODS LOVE, HELP, AND FAITH!

[glow=red,2,300]YES it is that easy[/glow], I've read all the reasons you feel you cant get along and trust me you're all text book, (i.e. WHO SHOULD BE MORE IMPORTANT TO ME BM OR GF, Does she want him back?, I really am getting depressed from this woman, ALL OF THEM) we have all gone through it, are going through it or believe me we eventually will. But the only way to solve the problem is to kill it with kindness, and remember I can say all of this because [glow=red,2,300]I AM THE NEW WOMAN[/glow] and she and I get along great now. And when I say great I mean we get together to go shopping for baby girl and do other things together, my man didn't like it at first but he noticed how much better our (his and mine) relationship was getting as well as how much easier it was to be around his ex.

So there it is, love it or hate it and remember I couldn't say this without the experience. And I don't mean any harm but I will not tip toe around this issue and just watch anymore...

You must be the change you want to see in the world. Mahatma Gandhi, even GOD said it LOVE ONE ANOTHER AS I HAVE LOVED YOU!

[ayzha]

Hey Im glad to hear that your situation with BM is going well. How long were you with your SO before you had this meeting with her? How long has your SO and BM been broken up before you came in the picture? Are you the first relationship that SO has had since and BM broke up? Does BM have a man? These are important questions that we must know and take into consideration before you come on here judging everyone. The BM in my situation is not super crazy but she has done stuff. She wanted to meet me after I was dating SO for 1.5 years because she figured that we must be getting serious. She wanted to give me rules. I didnt want to hear all that BS. If she would have stepped up to me at that originally then may I have listened alittle better.
I did meet her in a more friendly matter with our third encounter. She came over with the baby to my SO and I house and hung out for like six hours. We played football and watched a movie. All of us. There was still tension. There was a small incident which occured as she redid the hamburger patties that I did because she wanted to make them neater in my kitchen. I thought she was being rude. We spoke about it but we were both being fake. I also caught her in little white lies and that was annoying. I felt that she was just trying to find something negative to say about me so she could say that she didnt want the baby around me. The only complaint that she had was I ate slow and I didnt keep up with all of the celebrity media stuff. I think that I passed the audition.
I dont know how long you and BM have had this friendship but I would still have my guard up and definitely dont tell her any info about your SO. Hopefully it works out for you two but there are many other factors to consider before you judge. BM and I are cordial but I see no need for friendship. We have two seperate lives and my SO is only obligated to the baby not her. Thats just too much invasion of my privacy for me.

[me]

yvonne
how do you recommend someone make that first move? In my case the BM, is EXTREMELy bitter and absolutely spiteful and hates me! We have gotten along in the passed only to last for a month or so before she blows a fuse again. I dont even know where to begin. Do you have any suggestions?

[yvonneb]

Like all females we go through those up and down moments where you feel one way over the other...okay sometimes their is no excuse but hey it happens. To answer your question "me" do what feels right, I called BM up (she didnt answer the phone) and left an honest vm knowing she wasnt going to be feeling it to easily. I asked her to meet me at a certain place for lunch on me and suprisingly she met me there. It may not happen the first time or the second but it will take time. I know that sometimes my temper wanted to get the hold of me and I wanted to go off on her but I kept my cool.

[yvonneb]

Ayzha...I'm going to try and answer all your questions...give me some time.

[me]

yavonne
Thank you so for my next question, how do you suggest I handle the situation when I am speaking with her trying to work things out and be far more than polite (even though it REALLY takes my all to do so) and she throws in these smart a** little comments like "you do this" "you do that" and "thats what I dont like". In my case when I disagree with or go against (even in the most peaceful way) this BM goes BIZERK and thats when we end up in a HUGE arguement/war.

[jusdntundstn]

I can understand this approach and being the woman who understands the two have a past but when the EX hasn't gotten over their past, THIS is the issue. Therefore the last person she wants to sit down and have lunch with is his FUTURE. Can't do much about that.

[ayzha]

Friendship is a two way relationship. I dont think that any women should continuously go after a woman trying to be nice to her when she treats you like nuts just as you would tell any friend not to be chasing a dude that treats you like nuts. Baby mamas are not anything different. Gf/Wifes do not have to be abused by any women just because she is your SO ex. Some women are just bitter and have a difficult time letting go. The best thing to do in that situation is ignore her and watch from the sidelines.
BM has to be willing to get over the anger before she actually does. NO matter how HARD you may try to like someone if they dont like you then they just wont like you if they really dont want to. Jealousy can be very dangerous and long lasting. There are people from high school that I see almost ten year laters that still have animousity and wont speak to me. Women are sometimes very emotional and that can sometimes affect us in a negative manner. I dont expect BM to be any different especially she is a women. When BM has moved on and best case scenario married then that is where more GF/Wife can see a major improvement in their relationship.

[me]

I have to say I agree with both sides/points of view here. On one hand I can see that someone has to be the bigger person and make and attempt to mend the situation. The whole "love eachother as I have loved" concept makes sense. However, then I have to question it when its brought to my attention to just dont pay the BM (or OP) any attention. Go on about your life and stay out of it. Therefore at the end of the day I think its best to just go off a case to case scenario. Each situation is different and has to be handled that way. In my case I want to be able to get along with BM, but I just dont think it is possible. She holds in a lot of bitterness and anger and somehow directs it ALL at me. I have tried every route possible to make peace with her but she wants someone who will walk on egg shells and cater to her every nag or complaint and wants to pick at things to make them a arguement and that is something I CANNOT deal with. I am very outspoken and have a hard time catering to her ups and downs and dont feel I should have to do so anyway. Its just a VERY complex situation and unfortunate that the kids are the ones who deal with the negative outcome. I dotn know which way to turn at this point. I kinda feel like giving up is my best option.

[Doin]

Azya, I totally agree with you. Yvonne, I am the poster child for the approach you've described. BM and I hung out and even got along for some time, but that didn't last long because as time proved she had ulterior motives. She tried to create bonds with my husband and I by playing the "poor me" role. She wanted my husband and I to feel sorry for her so that we'd take care of SS while continuing to give her "CS" (taking care of her as well). She took advantage of me, my kindness, my desire to do the right thing and played me for a fool. When the motives became clearer as they only became bolder and more evident, I AGAIN tried to have a woman to woman and she backed out of it, which cemented that she wanted to control the situation by continuing the charade. Bottom line is BM was overly dependant on my husband, and dismissive of me, which was disrespectful in my opinion. And it didn't work. I'm glad to hear that there is a situation where the blended family dynamic works, but it's certainly not the norm and so consider yourself the exception.

[jaylady999]

Yeah sorry but having a sit down with BM about HER issues was never on my radar of things that needed to be done. They were her issues and hers alone. I found no desire to pacify her, get to know her in any way, or anything else of that nature. She had two kids with my DH, she means nothing to me.

I didnt ever give her the attention she desired and its worked just fine for me, always has.

[jaylady999]

and she and I get along great now. And when I say great I mean we get together to go shopping for baby girl and do other things together, my man didn't like it at first but he noticed how much better our (his and mine) relationship was getting as well as how much easier it was to be around his ex.

You say this as if this is the only way a situation can work. BM and I dont have to be friends in order for my husband to be a father to his children without her interference. She just doesnt have that much control over him or me for that matter.

[jaylady999]

However, then I have to question it when its brought to my attention to just dont pay the BM (or OP) any attention. Go on about your life and stay out of it.

This is exactly what works for me and always has. I wouldnt have done it any other way. BM is not my problem, she's his.

In my case I want to be able to get along with BM, but I just dont think it is possible. She holds in a lot of bitterness and anger and somehow directs it ALL at me. I have tried every route possible to make peace with her but she wants someone who will walk on egg shells and cater to her every nag or complaint and wants to pick at things to make them a arguement and that is something I CANNOT deal with.

Yep, which is why I would never indulge any BM in this fashion. And by the same token, as a BM, I certainly wouldnt want any GF or Wife of BDs to try to appease me either. My parenting has nothing to do with the significant other of BDs. Its between me and him. He's the only one I will communicate with when it comes to my son and I certainly dont need a friend in his GF/wife.

I am always cordial to anyone I come across, but shopping and friendship, I'll pass

I am very outspoken and have a hard time catering to her ups and downs and dont feel I should have to do so anyway.

You certainly dont. Ever.

Its just a VERY complex situation and unfortunate that the kids are the ones who deal with the negative outcome. I dotn know which way to turn at this point. I kinda feel like giving up is my best option.

Honestly, the way I feel about it is as long as I, as SM, am not causing BM any grief(other than simply being married to her kids father), then I am doing nothing wrong. If she brings about a negative outcome for HER children, thats HER business and its for DH to deal with. Not my kids, not my problem. As SM, I make their stay with us enjoyable every single rip and we always have a great time. But thats about all I can do.

Everything else is just negative energy that I refuse to feed into. Cant do it. ;D

[me]

Jaylady999
I am really feeling your point of view the more you explain it. I for one do not like the feeling of having to so called "baby" the baby mama in my situation. I dont feel she is a victim therefore why should she be treated with anything more than the normal every day courtesy any strnager gets from me. I shouldnt have to tip toe around my words with her in hopes it doesnt SOMEHOW offend her. I am with you there. However, when these bouts come up where she wants to let my husband see their children-she INSISTS its REQUIRED her & I speak and have some kind of "relationship". My husband has told her and myself there is no need for a friendship or communication between us and I can be okay with that but she gets p*ssed off at him and that will bring up a whole new arguement with her demanding she have contact with me in some way. I have yet to figure that one out! Especially when things dont go her way and then I am the FIRST one she points the finger at. Its a no win situation with this BM.

[jaylady999]

Your husband has the right idea, there is definitely no need for friendship. You are actually pretty lucky that he feels that way. I wouldnt worry about it, as long as you and he are on the same page.

Let him deal with whatever fallout occurs with his BM.