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Post by youknowwhatitis on May 29, 2008 16:12:13 GMT -5
I'm not saying your BM is right....but like my stupid BD that's the way she chooses to be. We can argue to the cows come home about what things should be but at the end of the night when we lay our heads down and go bed we know were going to have to get up the next morning and deal with how things ARE. We can't make people change...all we can do is use their venom to improve ourselves and rise above their ignorance. I in no way feel sorry for myself or my son I worked my azz off to get where I am and it's all lining up. A little faith sometimes goes a long way.
When people choose to go out of their way to spite you you've got 2 options:
1.) Lay down and die...become bitter.
2.) Crawl up and fight.....become better.
It just seems to me on the board a lot of people want to give no sympathy to the moms but want a bunch of sympathy for the dad's talking about how he has to work so many jobs etc.
This is my stance on the issue:
I can sympathize with dad having to work extra jobs but I do not support taking money away from mom with the kids to help dad.
I know some contend that it will make the situation better for all I'm not sold on that idea.
Mom's do a lot of work and children have numerous needs they need that money.
Dad has failed to maintain a relationship with the mom and often with the children which is how he ends up on cs. Why is nobody suggesting relationship improvement classes for all? Family counseling if the state would pay? Could that possibly help.
Also it boils down to plain ole will if a person is bitter and just wants to spite the other one they will be uncooperative. Because they have the mentality that I you win they lose.
I don't know....just speculating. Any positive feedback appreciated?
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Post by gemmani on May 29, 2008 16:17:14 GMT -5
You are right on that. I just don't see how making BD pay all that money, then flaunt the fact that she isn't using it correctly. It really boils my blood. Especially when she'll send the kids over like we need clothes, or mommy said to buy us shoes. WTF?  We have to pay our bills! We can't afford that! Then BM will say, it because daddy loves his fiance more than you. Ugh!!!! Its whatever, at the end of the day, we will manage. But I know for a fact that it isn't about the kids with her, its HIM. I wish she would move on already. I can't stand BMD! |
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Post by destini1969 on May 29, 2008 17:04:07 GMT -5
You might have to deal with that type of behavior until the child reaches age 18 in most states! The BM is just angry that BD isn't with her! I assure you, if you were not in the picture BM wouldn't have a problem with BD!
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Post by shortydo on May 30, 2008 10:32:02 GMT -5
i know that's right.
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Post by gemmani on May 30, 2008 10:58:53 GMT -5
Unfortunately Destini, this was going on before I was in the picture. Its either "be with me" or suffer. I'm sure I'll have to deal with this for at least the next 16 years. I've already wrapped my head around it. But besides that demon BM, its totally worth it. I love those kids. It kills me when I hear them repeat the stuff BM says. She tells them I don't like them, I tell daddy to stay away, etc. And each time, they come to me and ask me about it. I explain things to them as vaguely as I can (they are only 6, 4, and 2) while assuring them that they are loved by all 3 of us. They listen, then ask me to play with them. Despite it all, they are still the cutest, friendliest little kids I've ever met. They fight over which one gets to hold my hand or sit next to me. My fiance, the kids, our future kids, it's all worth it to me.
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Post by tienee on May 31, 2008 14:36:47 GMT -5
youknowwhatitis-you have some valid points and some not so valid points. there are alot of nothing A** Bd out there and there are alot of great Bd who are willing to do any and everything to take care of their children. If a woman has a house and makes all her bills before her and BD get together and have a child and continues to take of business after the child is born then all Bd has to do take care of his child's need and wants. it's trifiling to expect for someone to take care of you and their child when you are no longer together. the main concern should be the child so while you are evaluating dads income you should evaluate your own. you have it twisted the main thing relationship needs is communications which is not uncommon. if BM needs to have a life she should have thought about it before she spread her legs, Some men don't have a life trying make sure they can keep a roof over their head so that they can continue to spend time with their child and pay child support (which most of it doesn't make it down to the child anyway with alot of BM needing to keep up with todays styles). If your relationship has good communication then it shouldn't be a problem to call and say you need to relax. if most of these women where really worried about their childs needs being met then they would accept what a man can afford instead of trying to break them, Child support is not only finacial it's also mental and emotional and if a man is out here working day and night just to to get the money the stae requires him to give then when does that child actually get to spend quality time with their fathers to get that emothinal and mental support.
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Post by shortydo on Jun 2, 2008 12:45:45 GMT -5
tienee. i like what your talking about. this websit has really help a sister out. i basically can't stand the BM. I tried to give her the benifit of the doubt but she continues to work my nerves. i just wish some of these women really look within for the real problem. I hate when BM say oh he'll be in my life forever b/c we have a child. no that's not the case b/c after the child hit a certain age he or she should be old enough to talk. my DH is going throgh that now. BM will find any reason to call knowing their child is old enough to ask for things herself but i guess she get's off hearing his voice. what a waste! lmao
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Post by nomoredrama on Jun 2, 2008 15:55:37 GMT -5
Don't count on relief when the child gets older. My SD is 14 years old. Her mom has her so brainwashed that I swear I am talking to the BM when we are speaking to her. BM has to ask her mom for everything. We asked for her address, SD had to ask her mom. BM can work head games on the child and my DH's BM has worked on his daughter.  |
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Post by sbimiss on Jun 4, 2008 14:21:21 GMT -5
This is very true. I don't think that it matters the child's age, BM will still try to use the child as a tool. I have seen it in my case many times. Once she told her 3 yr. old daughter to tell me that the car he drives belongs to her mother. When dad came back from the store I brought it up and he corrected his daughter. It is very sad. I have such a good relationship with my bf's daughter and this woman is building illusions in this child's head. I worry about when she is older(she is 4 now). BM does this because she obviously doesn't know the history behind my bf and I. If she knew the truth she wouldn't make a fool of herself continuously. I believe that it doesn't matter the child's age, they will still try to manipulate the situation. It is probably worse as the child get older.
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Post by shortydo on Jun 4, 2008 14:57:06 GMT -5
sbimiss
you are so right. the child will carry BM traits. it's a power struggle between parents. My DH is always checking his daughter. every other word is about what the BM said. i hate that b/c the child is the one caught in the middle of all the head games.
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Post by I dont understand on Jun 4, 2008 14:58:46 GMT -5
I don't understand why people just don't wear condoms all the time. If you're in a situation with a person you're not sure you want to be with, then don't screw and be extra god d**n safe when you are. I do understand that accidents happen, but for the sake of the child, stop worrying about your BD's new woman and make sure he's being a good father when he can and make sure your purely focused on the child, because in the end, thats what really counts.
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Post by sbimiss on Jun 4, 2008 15:36:56 GMT -5
Def. so!! But unfortunately, men and women too can be quite careless when it comes to hooking up with someone. At that time, some aren't really thinking of if they are capable/willing to have a long term relationship with someone. Some men are just careless period. Hence, more than one BM. If things were like this.....we wouldn't be on this site. It's a shame but, true. Different people have different morals and values.
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Post by gemmani on Jun 5, 2008 11:27:10 GMT -5
I agree with the posters above. Its careless and irresponsible to just go around procreating. You don't understand the amount of times I wanted to smack my fiance across the head like, HOW and WHY did you get yourself into this situation? Couldn't you tell what was going on??
And not once, but THREE times. Oh well, at least our children together will be PLANNED and born legitimately, and they will actually come into the world with parents who love each other.
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Post by wowposter on Sept 8, 2008 19:50:18 GMT -5
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Post by jaylady999 on Sept 24, 2008 18:57:44 GMT -5
I know this topic is old as all get up, but I can clearly see youknowwhat all up in through it defending BM's even way back when this particular topic was originally posted. And since I am bored at work, Keia, let me say this to you. Not speaking directly towards your situation(becuz yours really isnt the norm since your BD doesnt see his child on a regular). But there truly is a difference, as gemani said, between need and greed.
I had my son back in 1997. At the time of pregnancy, my BD and I were living together, but I left him for cheating on my when I was preggers. I waited until our son was about 6 months before I moved back home with my mother because I did want BD to spend the first few months of his life creating a bond with his child. Anyway, I made a conscious decision at the time that I decided that I'd no longer be with him that I would never see him in a courtroom hashing out what percentage of his paycheck he was going to give me. I know first hand that the child support courts are VERY unfair to men and very biased towards the women. I didnt want to create a hostile situation when there was no need for one, because seriously, most men will stand up and be good fathers(emotionally and financially) if their BM would let them and not stand in their way. I knew my BD was no different
So when I moved back in with my mom, the only true expenses that I had for our son was childcare, pampers, and formula(and not even so much of that becuz I breastfed our son). I didnt have to worry about rent or anything like that, so my sons father and I split the cost of living of our child IN HALF.
When I moved out and got my own apartment about 2 yrs later, I got a 2 bedroom. I was a single mother with a job. The way my sons father and I calculated our child support situation was that:
1. he still paid half childcare(yes, i paid the other half, because he is also my son too)
2. we took into account that in the apt complex that i moved into back in 2000, a 1 bedroom was $700 and a 2 bedroom was $840 and i told him we could split the difference of the $140, which would have him pay $70 for OUR childs room and i pay the other $70. (yes, i paid the other half, because he is my son too and BD was not responsible for paying MY rent)
3. and lastly we took into acount a grocery bill, and just everyday needs of our child and split that down the middle also.(yep, i had no problem paying half, again, he is my child too)
In total, he was paying me about $350 in child support monthly until our son went to kindergarten and childcare was lessened quite a bit.
i know for a fact that had i taken him to court for child support, i would have gotten at least $600/month from the court system. but was it really all that necessary? he was able to keep that other couple of hundred and use that to do useful things and bond with our son. See child support is about so much more than just money. You cant put a pricetag on REAL AND TRUE child support and that is what a lot of BM's dont realize. See the time that he had put in with our son, the QUALITY time that he has spent making a man out of our son is priceless.
we both laid there and made the baby, so it is not just all on BD to financially support this child and women really just dont get it. when you begin to make the entire issue about money, then money becomes the entire issue for all parties involved and the child loses in the end.
our child support agreement fluctuates every couple of years depending on our sons age and what is going on in his life. keeping in mind if i ever fell short(before i met my DH), BD would give me extra just becuz I asked for it and he respected me as his child's mother and I WAS NOT HERE TO MAKE LIFE A LIVING HELL FOR HIM.
youknowwhat, you mentioned that when two people are no longer together they cant make contractual agreements fairly. I disagree. more times than not, the BD is the more sensible one becuz men are more logical thinkers and women are more emotional thinkers. most BM dont realize that they would get a lot more if they acted like raising their child was more of a priority than "stickin it to the BD".
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We have to pay our bills! We can't afford that! Then BM will say, it because daddy loves his fiance more than you. Ugh!!!! Its whatever, at the end of the day, we will manage. But I know for a fact that it isn't about the kids with her, its HIM. I wish she would move on already. I can't stand BMD!
