Female mentality

[youknowwhatitis]

Jaylady are you black??? Not trying to be funny but from your post it sounds like you are not. Black women have it much harder with our children and most of these men will not step up to the plate and do the right thing............most white men will..........a lot of black men don't. This is a known fact.

My BD always talked about being a great father because he didn't have one. But when it came down to paying only 100.00 a week to me which he could afford because he got paid every week he knew I had my own house and bills and could not work because of the surgery and the need for childcare for the baby. He did not have those issues because the baby didn't live with him. I guarantee you he wouldn't call off work and miss out on that money to sit at home with our son. At that time I could make it off $400.00 a month from him because I had family help. I too jaylady could stick to BD and get probably 800 or more in CS from him but I tried to cut a fair deal for the sake of the baby and their being no animosity. I really did try to do the right thing.

BD on the other hand like I keep saying did not.......he did not consider the fact that childcare cost, doctor's visits cost, diaper's cost, and me sitting at home with a baby was costing me financially........we both made the baby but he didn't have a problem buying gas or going to work because HE didn't have a child living with him nor did he spend 9 months preggo, sick, I have sickle cell trait interferes with oxygenation, gestational HTN, and preterm labor............I spent a lot of the pregnancy on bedrest and pelvic rest ( which means I wasn't getting any) all to bring our son in the world I paid the COST and top all that off with a c-section..........and he couldn't respect me or our son of enough to cough up $400.00 measly dollars and knowing but obviously not caring that I had a c-section and couldn't work without childcare or go back to school without childcare. Plus the baby had needs. To me this is SELFISHNESS in the first degree. So when I say BD deserved what he got this is why I say that..........now I don't wish disablement on anybody.............I was just rather angrily stating that when you don't do right..........bad things happen to you. BD was working a 16.00 an hour job 7 days a week there is no reason for us to be fueding over money or childcare. And to top it off I had just had a baby 2 weeks ago and if he even remotely gave a d**n about ME we wouldn't have been fueding at all. Apparently him and the fam.............don't see it that way. But it is all water over the bridge.

[canice]

youknow........... it is not the BD responsiblity to pay all the bills covering childcare. You both made that baby. So you both share the responsiblity of care. I see from your post that you had medical problems and it is sad if he was not around for that. But the fact is a man can leave when ever he wants, just as a woman can. When you make that desicion to have sex and get pregnant you also make the choice to care for that child whether the father is there or not. Don't matter if you are married, living together...... we the other person is out they are out. If you made a verbalk agreement that he does not hold to then you need to decide to go to child support court and file legal action. Yes the courts do usually find for the mother but in most courts if both parents come to an agreement on an amount that is less than the state is stating the courts will go with that amount. Child support court is not always there to screw someone over if you use it the right way. You don't have to always go by their price you can name your own. But the fact is it will be legal and binding so you know that money will come FOR THE child and if he decided to stop it will catch up to him and that will eventully come to you FOR THE CHILD. But if the relationship ends you still have to get off your butt and make things happen for yourself. You still have to put a roof over your head, and food in the fridge. If you want to go to school you have to work that out to where you can do that and have an income of your own coming in. You can not depend on that child support to pay your bills.

When I got pregnant I was 19, my sons father left me before the 2nd trimester. But life had to go on. I still had to provide for me and my unborn child. I could cry at night if I needed to but mamma got bills to pay. I did file CS but not to be vindictive but to insure that he covered his financail responsiblity of the child. It was $220 at the time and he was young and stupid and trying to fight it listening to his trifflin GF at the time. Well I am still here with his son and his CS had gone up to $625 but the relationship we have is a good one because he know that money goes to the care of his son. I don't ask for extras, I provide the healthcare coverage and aske the courts that it be that way. He pays the copays that may occur. And with him having a hire position at work he has asked the courts to review that paperwork to see if he has to pay a higher CS rate because he wants to provide all he can for his son. His job and the military keep us states or countries apart at all times but if he cant be there in person he is there by phone or webcam. He is one of those rare black BD and I am one of those rare black BM. But we make it work for the sake of the child. I don't need more than the $625 in CS because I have my own income coming in and I go to school fulltime. His life continues and so does mine. Race really has nothing to do with it. I know many BLACk men that are the sole parent of their children becausee the BM ran off from her responsiblites and the same for a few white men that I know. It is the person themselves that make the situation what it is.

I believe that me and my BD were not ment to be married or together for longer than we were. But our son made us grow up and become the people that we are today. We are actually better the way we are now then we were as a couple.

[jaylady999]

youknowwhat ~ i am a sista all day long. trust when i tell ya. here is my proof(me and my son)



Black women do have it hard with our kids, but a lot of it is self inflicted. How do you expect for your BD to come through for you when it seems that all you wanna do is make his life miserable. I personally think Black men get a bad wrap when it comes to doing for their children. After all the hurdles most BM's make them jump through just to spend time with their children, a lot of them just say f*ck it and give up. I know cuz I saw my DH go through it and there were times when he wanted to say to hell with it. They should not be given that much of a hard time to just simply do what is their right, and thats to be a father. There are some dead beats out there, but right now I am speaking soley on those who have the desire, but to only have it taken away by childish BS and games played by the BM.

Anyway, its just that when it comes to BM drama, I didnt want any parts of it. spending my time trying to strategically make my next move to upset BD's life would only slow down the progress I was trying to make in my own accomplishments, not to mention how many blessings I would have been blocking by doing so. What is for me will be for me, but I wont know what is in store holding bitterness in my heart. I would have met the man that I married, but he certainly wouldnt have been around long enough to marry me had I been so consumed on making someone else's life miserable. That type of stuff eats away at the person trying to create the misery and then the outside begins to look just as ugly as the inside. I listened to God, handled my business, ALLOWED my BD in his childs life uninterupted and I get blessings over blessings because of it. I have a BD who I absolutely wouldnt trade for the world and a husband who is my rock. I am sorry, but these are things you just dont get by being bitter.

Canice~ you obviously got the memo. i am a firm believer in splitting the costs down the middle. well it will never be truly equal, i think thats impossible and in the end, i probably do more on a daily for our son, but thats my baby, so it doesnt bother me. his father does things that i just dont feel like doing anyway(museums, parks, lakefront walks and bike rides, out of town trips, etc). so we balance each other out and i have a good friend in my life in the process. no harm no foul. and like you said, the relationship we have now if far greater than what we had so many years ago. BM's dont get it, they just dont.

[canice]

Like i told youknow before. Quit picking at that scab of pain and move on. Your hate is not only hurting your relationship with your BD but your son and any happieness that may be out there for you. Life is full of lessons and people out there whos only reason is to make you into the person that you were ment to be. My son and my love for my son, and me being independent is what brought me my husband. To see a sister doing it on her own, no man nd still handling hers. d**n that is a turn on for any man!!!!! Let it go girl........ there is so much out there that you can't see through all that hatred and pain. Don't let that pass you by.

[jaylady999]

EXACTLY!!

youknow , you swear that you are not harboring any hatred, but really you are. just play the cards you've been dealt and move on. by your own admission, you are getting the check, and that is what seems to satisfy you, so just move on with it. i know you are doing what you need to do to become a nurse and thats all good. it really is. just let go and let God deal with your BD. he is physically paralyzed for the rest of his life, dont let what he did or didnt do mentally paralyze you for the rest of yours

[gemmani]

Really now, can we please stop with these racist remarks???

Youknow, I'm really tired of you putting down black men. YOU CAN'T BLAME ALL BLACK MEN FOR THE FAULTS OF A FEW OF THEM. You can not sit there and say that it is a fact that most of them don't. Please get your head out of your a$$. I know many, MANY black men who not only take awesome care pof their children, they LOVE TO TAKE CARE OF THEIR CHILDREN.
All your talk really disgusts me. Don't you have black blood in you? Isn't your son black? Watch what you say before the world has ANOTHER black man with self-hatred issues.

[jaylady999]

Gemani,

I find her remarks hilarious to be honest. There are some GOOD black men out there and I am sooooo tired of convincing people (esp those black women who dont want to believe it) that they do exist. Youknowwhat is the type of woman who wont realize that the problems that she has with black men, she will have with white men becuz those types of problems start from within and she carries it everywhere she goes. If we can see it on a messageboard so loud and clearly, just imagine what people who deal with her in the real world deal with.

Men are men. Black, white, or purple. Some good, some bad. She doesnt get that, but she will......eventually she'll learn the hard way

[gemmani]

That's true Jaylady. It just really grinds my gears to hear black men being put down once again. I think we get enough of that in society, it doesn't need to come from within.

And you are exactly right, if you are noticing that you have the same problems with every guy you date, then guess what? The problem is YOU. And until YOU deal with your issues, every guy will still be "triffling".
And go ahead, Youknow, go to the other races and talk about how low-down black men are. I'll bet they'd wonder what was so wrong with you that you feel this way about them. Remember, you are putting down your own race, meaning there's something about YOU that YOU don't like. It comes across as insecurity, and it's not attractive.

[Chalan]

Jaylady, baby boy is too cute. I agree with you all. Men will be who they are regardless of color. I think we woman tend to ignore the red flags when we invest ourselves in a relationship. We ignore what is present because we want the fairy tale romance to come true. We need to take the blame for hoping/ trying to change him. Stop expecting that man to change once you bond is solidified. If he was selfish in the beginning, he will be selfish in the end.

I do understand youknow’s anger although I may not agree with the way the anger is channeled. I can not stand the BM because of all of the problems and trauma she has caused. I wouldn’t go out of my way to harm her…. But if she were on fire, I wouldn’t spit on her. I hate feeling this way but that girl, to call her a woman is a disservice, gets under my skin. I haven’t figured out how to let that anger go but it has diminished some.

As for CS, I do think my child is entitled to CS without thrusting the father into poverty. Yes we did both make this child but I would be the primary care giver. I would provide a home, food, clothing, trips, etc. Yes, my son would receive these things w/o the father’s help. (Woman tend to survive no matter what the case may be). But any man that calls himself a father should want to contribute to his son’s well being and up bringing. If the court stated $850, so be it IF he isn’t living on the streets. My problem is I’m also a planner. I like to try and think ahead. A portion of that every month would go to the child’s savings account for college, a place, what ever it may be. But is would be used for the child just the same.

[im2grown4this]

I feel that we take things for granted way too easily. We don't learn to appreciate what we have. But as soon as we are about to loose it, WE LOOSE IT! You don't realize what you've got til it's gone. Once it's gone, and especially if someone else has it , you know what they have and you have regrets that you didn't do what it took to keep it. You didn't APPRECIATE it. Don't take anything for granted; here today and gone tomorrow.

[youknowwhatitis]

Question you all......................how old r u?

[youknowwhatitis]

Okay, Okay, Okay............maybe you all are right.........maybe I'm just spoiled. I"ve been told that before...............I dated a man for a long time that I didn't have to buy nothing...........with BD I paid for nothing...................so I guess I figured it should extend over into parenthood.

[jaylady999]

I am 36, DH is 33, and BM is 31.

youknowwhat, why is everything that means something to you based around money? i think you put a little too much stock into physical things and that is where you are going wrong. sure, money is important in child rearing, but it is definitely not meant to be the only means that a man is to father his child.

[canice]

I am 28, BD is 31, husband is 30 and his BM is 29. But age has nothing to do with it. I was 19 when my son was born and the lessons is learned all came for me before I was 21.

It is great to have a man who pays, but not for everything. You gotta do things on your own. Don't ever get used to a man taking care of you all the time. Be independent. The way you behave and act is gonna be seen by your son and others. And it ain't gonna be a pretty. You can be spoiled as you say and that is great. But you can be spoiledc and be able to stand on your own 2 feet at the same time. My saying is " I'm not spoiled, Hell I am well taken care of." I got that as my vanity tag on my truck and when people ask well whos taken care of you. I say " I take care of myself, others do what they can." and I am proud to say it. Because it is true. People come and go out of your life and the only one who is always going to be there to take care of you is you. I am only oligated to take care of 2 people my sons and that is till they turn 18. And don't EVER think that a man is going to have to take care of you, he is only obligated to that child. And that is all you should hold him to .

[canice]

Let me ask you a couple questions youknow.......... Who do you know wants to be with someone who can't provide for themselves? Now there are always different reasons for what is happening with someone finacally. But I mean a bummmmmmm sitting on their ass not doing nothing but living off you? And also what made you think that after the 2 of you were no longer together that he was gonna continue to take care of YOU?!?!?! And how old are u?