I need SERIOUS help today ladies!

[omg]

Please help me. I have been trying to keep my cool but I am at work right now and all I can do is think about how PISSED and disgusted I am. I feel like such a dumb a** fool! My BAH (b*tch a** husband) is d**ned crack head! This MF is only 27 yrs old and on some coke addiction. Unless I am blind I was SURE he was doing so well! Uhhh...apparently I was wrong. I am about to puke! He just out of nowhere up and left Saturday morning and never came back until I found him at the crack head motel he goes to to do his coke. ON top of that, he took over $300 out of our account to get high on. AND THEN.....doesnt even act very remorseful, he throws out a lame Im sorry, I guess I had a relapse. AND even had an attitude with ME. ME! Like I did something wrong. I am just sick to my stomach that I have been this dumb to believe he was changed and here I am having kid #3 that if I leave him wont have a dad from the get go-do you guys know how BAD that hurts? WHAT DO I DO? I just want to go to sleep and never get up. I did this to myself! Why am I so stupid and forigiving. I cant do this again. This is 9 yrs and still some kind of drama. What do I do? PLEASE tell me what to do? Id it okay to leave?

[chalan]

I’m sorry you’re going through this. What ever you decide to do, it should be what is best for you and your children.

[omgimarried a piece of sht]

Would you think that’s reason to leave the marriage and leave him? When do you say "this is enough"?

My two year old woke up Sunday morning and hears his dad coming up stairs and goes...Daddy? Where have you been? Mommy its daddy. Then yesterday again we dropped my husband off to pick up his car from that motel and when he got out my 2 yr old goes mommy don’t cry. ARE YOU F'EN SERIOUS! This is CRAZY and it does affect my kids, even my older son said mom you have given dad A LOT of chances, he always leaves and doesn’t come home. Okay I cant even type anymore. I keep crying and I cant do this at work!

[chalan]

You’re a survivor so you will be ok. You’ve just hit a rough patch in your life. I can’t tell you to stay or to leave, only you can make that decision. Just make the right one for you. Kids as you mentioned notice a lot, you have to mindful of the examples you set for them.

[ty1981]

Whatever you decide to do....plan...plan....plan. Don't be embarrassed this is not about you. He has a problem. He needs to fix it. As much as you want to do it for him you can't.

[omg]

I don’t know wan to plan. He has n=done this before in the past. A few times even. On top of everything else I feel like there needs to be an end. Only I can do that b/c he is a F*CK UP! I just don’t know if this is reason to end a marriage and family. I stuck by my mom through her drug problem and it lasted YEARS and you guys just don’t understand how badly drugs get to me...I have less then zero tolerance for it. Will I be giving up on him if I leave? I might even feel bad but here he is spending all our money on this and has no remorse really and has the nerve to be a d*ck to me even

[ty1981]

Personally, I would leave...if that's what youre asking. i once asked my pastor what were groungds for divorce. He said the three A's. Abuse, Adultery, Addiction. You are exposing your kids to something they shoulnt be apart of. You of all people should know how that feels. As and educator, I see the affect on kids that have drug related family problems and it's not a good look. Stop the cycle now...there is a reason you were drawn to a person who uses drugs....It was because your mom was on drugs. We look for things that are familiar to us....knowingly or not. It is time for you to break this cycle.

[chalan]

Leaving does not mean you are giving up on a person. Sometimes you have to love them from a distance. I can say with certainty, that you shouldn’t allow him to drag you down with his mess.

[omg]

Thank you guys. I know my mom would tell me to leave, but she is bias. I need some advice from people that don’t really know us. I have NEVER NEVER done drugs and would NEVER even half way THINK about it, So if I am a safe, good parent why put my kids in that mess when they don’t need to be, I can take good care of them ALONE. I don’t know how strong I can stand for so long. I don’t know when I am just gonna fall. I look back and see that at my last 3 jobs I have been at work at one point or another crying over his f*ck ups and I have had to get a loan b/c he got my car impounded from a DUI and we had no money b.c I had to bail him out of jail. ON TOP of his BMD. The good is not outweighing the bad. I cannot do this!

[ty1981]

You can do this. I have faith in you. You are an intelligent young woman with alot going on for herself. I made a statement the other day about outgrowing people. You have taken it to another level and he has not. Sometimes the best love is tough love. If you keep taking him back he has no incentive to change.

[MsKokamo]

Im so sad for you because I do know that you love him and was there rooting for him through everything else that he put you through. You really believed in and stood up for him even when people thought you shouldnt. Now he disappointed you and that sucks.

Not only do you have to look at the example you set, but you also have to look at the examples he's setting for your kids. Right now they know that daddy leaves and it makes mommy cry but I wouldnt want them to learn about coke addictions from their father. Enough is enough as far as your family constantly recovering from his poor decisions. I think its your responsibility to take this hand you were dealt and prepare to play it to the best of your ability.

He took $300 from your account? Maybe its time to start separating your money and getting an account that he doesntr have access to so you can take care of your responsibilities. Get used to living off your money only and begin adjusting to not needing anything for him. He obiously wreckless enough to throw valuable things (family, fatherhood, finances) away.

[slick]

Exactly ty....this is not yours omg. This is his. And although he may have made a choice to remain clean, he may not have reached sobriety yet. He has to do the work and abstaining from use sometimes isn't enough. He needs to learn how to live and cope with stress and changes without leaning on a substance. It's not impossible, but you become an enabler (active addiction wise) when you remain in a relationship with an addict. He will naturally abuse you. You will be the closest to him and the one he's most responsible to. He will become derelict with the responsibilities of your family and you are too bright to let that happen. Leaving him is not abandoning him, but protecting your family.

I'm very sad for what you're going through right now and please stop calling yourself dumb. Love hubby from a distance. Relationships are not usually suggested for newly recovering addicts. He may get himself together. Right now, focus on protecting your home.

[thamrs]

I think everyone else has given great advice. I feel for you. My MIL has a crack/alcohol addiction and I won't allow my children to become "used to" those things, so they're not around her much. If you keep them around it for so long, they'll become numb to it, like my DH, and that's not good. He has no faith in her and doesn't think she'll ever change. It's definitely not a healthy environment for those children to be exposed to.

You're going to be fine. You're strong!! I would let him go for now. Like someone else stated, love him from a distance. Those kids don't need to see him like that. Everything will work out for you, just hold on to your faith and your sanity, but I think its time to let go.

[doinwatigottado]

OMG. I hope you don't mind that I speak of this so boldly, but I have an uncle who died from his drug addiction. For years my family struggled with helping him, but IMO nothing anyone did would help simply because he wan't REALLY trying to help himself. He was on the road to self destruction and had no intention on getting right. I've seen the difference between people who want kick the addiction and those who have lost any desire of working towards a sober life. Those people who want a life of sobriety, emerse themselves in recovery. ALL of their friends are recovering and they all help one another. They steer clear of any drugs and their will is quite impressive.

I think your husband needs to do something for himself and you can support recovery, but like some of the ladies said here, from a distance. He can't think he has any other option. What you described about him not being remorseful is VERY disconcerting.

My advice to you would be to separate until he shows you he is well into recovery and exhibiting all of the signs of a person who is serious about getting sober. The signs would be him going to meetings EVERY single week. Surrounding himself with people who will help him through any temptations and he'd need to get counceling. Since BMD comes along wth the dysfunction, I'd make it clear that he needs to get that ish straightened out too while in the process. Otherwise, you continue to roll without him.

You CAN do it!! And trust me as difficult as it may seem at first, if you surround yourself with the support you need, you will be stronger for it. You will feel better for it. You will feel empowered by it, and free from IT. At least while he is doing the right thing, you can look forward to a better relationship, but if he doesn't get it right for himself, you need to make YOU AND YOUR KIDS, the priority here, and move forward.

[gemmani]

I'm so sorry you are going through this OMG.
First of all, ((((((((((((((((((((((BIG HUG))))))))))))))))))))))

Like the other ladies said, this is not a reflection of you AT ALL. So please don't feel stupid.
I'm not going to jump to divorce, but a seperation would be advisable. I say that b/c it's not about you right now. You have 2 kids and one on the way to think about right now. They DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT need to be around any drug use at all. Like Rick James said, cocaine is a hell of a drug.
And if he's taking your money, what are you and the kids supposed to do? He's taking that money out of your kids' mouths and backs. My mom's first husband was a drug addict. She would find their account cleaned out periodically. She couldn't pay rent or bills or even gas for the car. He'd act out. He chased he around the apartment with knives, a bat, even a dead thingyroach (don't ask). One day, after he chased he into the bathroom with another knife, she decided she had enough and left him.

You can support him from afar. You can be there to help him. But please don't expose your little boys to this.