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Post by gemmani on Feb 23, 2009 13:30:12 GMT -5
I cannot judge you at all, OMG. I have no idea how I'd feel about this if I were you. But I DO know what I'd do.
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omg
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Post by omg on Feb 23, 2009 13:31:11 GMT -5
I guess when it comes to my children I see it like this...they don’t know what is going on with him at this point. They don’t see drugs or him doing them-the worst they see is when he doesn’t come home and with that-I feel like its been so long since he pulled this. The rarely ever see that day to day. I guess I feel its not a life or death matter where my kids are in danger or actually hurting at this point. My 7 yr old cries when I talk about his dad leaving. He loves him no matter what. I feel like maybe Church will help him to see whats real. I know what is in his heart, I know what he is really about and I just think he is stuggling right now and not strong enough alone to stay away from making split decision to go out and do this. It would be different if my boys were really effected by this short term. This could effect them in the long run just by the fact their dad leaves and they don’t know where he is. NEVER will they know about drugs...they don’t even know what that is. I guess I believe Church may help my family. I don’t know. So many times I have just kicked him out to regret it. This is a struggle for me. I guess I need to talk with him and see where his head is at, that will tell me a lot. If he isn’t remorseful or wanting to get helped then I give up.
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omg
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Post by omg on Feb 23, 2009 13:33:06 GMT -5
youre right. I need to quit being weak and do whats smart! d**n it this is hard
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Post by slick on Feb 23, 2009 14:18:21 GMT -5
Detox/treatment, DAILY meetings, working relationship with sponsor, positive people, places & things, the acceptance that one cannot control addiction and a DESIRE TO CHANGE do work. It only works if you work it though. Believing that addiction is not a disease, but rather a reflection of the person's weakness, is the first mistake. Addiction is a disease. Often times, the user is self-medicating for an undiagnosed mental illness.
My ex has 19 years clean. He attends meetings everyday. He "works" his 12 steps CONSISTENTLY. He maintains a relationship with his sponsor. He cannot forget where he came from lest he be doomed to go back.
He is constantly reminded by the newcomers in the meeting rooms just where his addiction can lead him if he doesn't do his step work. Look up the 12 steps. Doing the work in those steps is necessary to peel back the layers.
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Post by slick on Feb 23, 2009 14:21:28 GMT -5
I think it's hard to you because you're looking at the decisions that need to be made as permanent. Take it day by day. This day, it's important to begin exploring what resources are available to you and your boys to assist you in maintaining your household.
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Post by slick on Feb 23, 2009 14:24:30 GMT -5
Oh and omg, my ex lost his dad, only uncle in the area (both in 1 year), oldest brother and youngest brother.
The oldest brother and youngest brother died of heroin overdoses.
His mom died in his first year of recovery.
He has made a tremendous network of friends and loved ones in recovery.
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omg
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Post by omg on Feb 23, 2009 15:19:35 GMT -5
I think right there, I am wrong b/c I DO see his addiction as a weakness and kind of a way of him telling me, I don’t care about you or our kids-I care about me. I feel when he tells me he didn’t mean to, I feel he is lying and trying to get sympathy. I feel he CAN make the right choice and I feel he just doesn’t want to b.c he doesn’t care. Maybe Im wrong.
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damed
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Love is a journey not a destination
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Post by damed on Feb 23, 2009 15:50:04 GMT -5
Omg~My father dealt with a coke addiction for many years. It was what caused me to move in with DH when I was 16. Speaking from experience, it's not that your DH doesn't care it's that he is ill and has no control. You have to remember that right now you aren't dealing with your DH, the man you love, you are dealing with his illness. Not at all the same person. You don't have to keep yourself and kids safe from DH, you have to stay safe from the illness(think about it like a contagious deadly disease). You'e not leaving DH, you're leaving the illness.
First and foremost you have to look out for you, because right now your kids only have one parent. When they ask what is going on tell them the truth, daddy is sick. When they get older then you can explain further what that means if they have questions(and they will). I cannot express the importance of getting your children outside of this situation. I have very clear memories from as early as 2 years old of the chaos that was my family when dad was high. I don't want to assume, but has DH ever gotten violent towards you? If he has it will just get worse, if it hasn't happened yet it will(so long as he uses) and will eventually put your life in danger.
I agree with what the other ladies are saying, start making plans, keep your money "your" money, and do what you feel is best for you and your children.
My heart goes out to you sister and I'll keep you in my prayers.
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Post by slick on Feb 23, 2009 16:11:26 GMT -5
I think right there, I am wrong b/c I DO see his addiction as a weakness and kind of a way of him telling me, I don’t care about you or our kids-I care about me. I feel when he tells me he didn’t mean to, I feel he is lying and trying to get sympathy. I feel he CAN make the right choice and I feel he just doesn’t want to b.c he doesn’t care. Maybe Im wrong. Please look up the 12 steps and read them. Please recommend him to NA. Addicts need addicts to help them overcome addiction. |
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Post by jaylady999 on Feb 23, 2009 22:17:08 GMT -5
OMG~ I really have nothing to add, it truly has all been covered. But I will keep you in my prayers that you find your way regardless of what it is sweetie. I've seen 3 out of 5 of my uncles and my favorite 1st cousin live with addiction and its not a pretty thing. These men are not themselves, they are stricken with an illness and no amount of talking it over and trying to make your marriage work will end the addiction. Your DH needs much more than you have to give right now. He needs professional help. And your children, they need the one healthy parent they have right now to look out 100% for them to the point where nothing and no one else matters. Not even the battles that your DH is having. Again, I will pray for you that you find the stregnth to be the shield for your children during this tough time. And please done worry about losing DH to the other BM. She wont be getting him either. No one has him right now but his addiction to drugs.  |
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Post by chalan on Feb 24, 2009 8:43:03 GMT -5
Omg~ How are you today?
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omg
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Post by omg on Feb 25, 2009 7:33:59 GMT -5
Thank you for asking. Today actually I am still very much in a mess. DH had the nerve to come at me like he is some victim. Things were getting to a point of us talking about it and then WHAM all a sudden attitude consumes him-out of nowhere. Hes talking about the things I say to him make him feel like we shouldn’t be together and that I act like him doing the coke is something he is doing to deceive me and that him taking $300 isnt a big deal-its more of a big deal that he is hurting his body. LMFAO! Are you serious? What a sick freak! Can we say feel sorry for ourselves? To me that sickens me, I HATE that in a person-to sit there and pitty themselves to a ridiculous point. We just gpt in a huge argument and now we are at the terms of hating eachother. I don’t know what is happening to our marriage. I thought it was so good and now its just all crumbling to pieces.
On top of that his weird azz BM called my phone again last night talking about.....can you tell "R" blah blah blah, I said no but you can and hung up. Then she calls again leaving a messasge about how he has some guy she knows fixing his car and he needs to not be talking to people she knows and all this non sense.
I give up!
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Post by chalan on Feb 25, 2009 9:34:12 GMT -5
(((((((HUG))))))))
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Post by blaquechinadoll on Feb 25, 2009 11:02:45 GMT -5
OMG>> I am SOOO sorry to hear about this recent incident. While I can say that I did grow up with both parents, there were times that I WISH that I had only one... esp., when my father decided to "get out there" for a while. I would have very much to have seen my mother at peace. She'd just survived a bout with cancer and thyroid disease and dad decides he wants to cheat and do pot... and she was trying to work and raise me...being sick a 2 rabid dogs (this was the 80's).
So... while all of my friends were upset about their parents' divorces... I was wishing that mine would... so I could get some peace. Just b/c dad is in the house, doesn't make him a father.
I don't agree with drugs and alcohol being a disease. I think that it's a choice. My DH's mom is a former crack head alcoholic, and my father is an ex weed head and alcoholic. This what they chose. My MIL thought that it was more important to be in the fast life with men and drugs, than to be a wife and mother to her son. My dad thought that it was more important to run the streets than to help my mother, who didn't think she'd see me graduate....kindergarten.
Life is ALL about CHOICES...
People have just become accustomed to making excuses for themselves and others instead of accepting responsibilities for their actions.... SORRY, it's just how I see it. I have worked in a jail for over 10 years... and I did think it was a "disease", now, I'm not convinced at all.
All that I am saying is that you have to step outside and look in, esp. at your children and how this will affect their lives. Eventually, if his behaviour goes unchecked, not only will money disappear, so will your things and the children's things. My MIL sold DH's gold album... So with and addict, nothing is sacred... not you, the children, his body, your marriage..
Addiction, to me is another form of adultry...
But you have to decide what is best for you. You stated that you cant raise your children alone...YES you can. Single mothers do it everyday and have done so for YEARS. It may not be the title you want, or how you'd be perceived in your community. But if those that choose to judge you WONT help you then to HELL with them...
Be strong... my prayers are with you.
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Post by slick on Feb 25, 2009 11:22:24 GMT -5
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