omg
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Post by omg on Feb 23, 2009 12:51:17 GMT -5
One thing is....I grew up with seeing this. I refuse to let my kids feel anything I ever felt through this. To me drugs are the DEVIL! They give me a terrible feeling in my body. My mom got really bad after my step dad (who in my eyes WAS my real dad) died when I was 11, from there her life fell apart. She has spent so much money that she never even really had on crack, she didn’t care about her children although I lived with my uncle and my little brother was then in foster care. She had SO MANY treatments, meetings, sponsers, church friends-in my opinion that stuff doesn’t work. It never helped her. She hurt me SO MUCH, so many times growing up and all the while I had to look within myself to find out how I was going to stay string and manage. I haven’t had ONE person to be there for me through thick & thin when it comes down to it. Everyone I know has let me down at one point or another. I learned to stop relying on people b/c the one person you can truly count on regardless is yourself. However, as a mom- I WILL be there for my kids no matter what, I will NEVER make them feel like they are alone or they have no one who really cares. My kids have NEVER been around their dads habbit or my mom in the past and I don’t nothing so they know nothing of it. That is one thing out of this my DH knows better of, he wouldn’t DARE bring that into our household. That is why he will run off for days so he can do it. Although my children will catch on and are starting to already with him being gone out of nowhere and they see my stress. That alone is something I don’t want my kids to feel. I don’t even care about me, but they need me to be strong and capable. They rely on me to make their little lives okay and happy! With someone so toxic in my life I cant keep us up. I just called our church and talked to a lady there, I told her whats going on-the Bishop there suggests we come back to church. Even me alone with the kids. I just feel like no matter what, I don’t want my kids to hurt, I don’t want them to miss their daddy, I don’t want this new baby to be born without a chance of a normal family before he/she even takes one breath. Its not fair! I don’t know what is the right decision to make. My mom just all of a sudden woke up one day and said I can no longer live like this, and my kids gave her strength b/c she loves them to death-she is VERY close to my children and has tried very hard to be a good mom and grandma spite all the mistakes she made, I do not hold that against her b/c I know What pain she has gone through. She lost my dad and my little brother at the same time spun out of control. DH's mom lives in the same city as us and he barely even knows her, she doesn’t even bother, he says he doesn’t care but I know deep down he does , all he had was his dad-who was his everything and he dies in 2004 from cancer. All he has left is me. No one else. No family. I feel he is lost sometimes and I know how bad it hurts to loose your parent and there is nothing you can do to stop your pain. I guess I feel so guilty to turn my back on him but at the same time I feel he is saying f*ck me. I mean through out what drugs have done to my family I have NO sympathy for it and I get so defensive when it comes to that subject. I feel so betrayed! This is hell!
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Post by gemmani on Feb 23, 2009 12:59:25 GMT -5
I'm glad your mom has survived that life and I'm glad she turned herself around.
I know it's hard to fathom "breaking up" the family, but in all honesty which is worse? Being a single mother who is doing right by her kids or staying in a relationship where they are exposed to that lifestyle. Not to mention you'd be stressed because your DH's out there running around, who knows what he'd be bringing back, etc.
And........I'm sorry for even going there, but didn't you say that when DH was messing with his BM, wasn't he coked-out then too? What happens when that scenario plays out again?
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Post by doinwatigottado on Feb 23, 2009 13:02:10 GMT -5
OMG. It's hard making these life altering decisions and I'm sure it's that much more difficult "feeling" like you are turning your back on HIM. But another way to look at it is that you are putting you and your children first. If he does seek the help he needs, you can give something better to your kids. Separating from that madness is not turning your back on him, you are taking responsibiliy for your own experience and you can't control what he does, especially if he feels he has choices, and he really needs to want to get himself right. And if you are worried about him not having anyone, trust me, if he does get help and go to the meetings, he will have LOTS of support and lots of friends. YOU can't support him alone OMG.
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Post by chalan on Feb 23, 2009 13:06:20 GMT -5
Do what is best for you. But having a part time crack addicted father…is like not having a father. I know you are hurting, who wouldn’t be, but this isn’t about what is good for the family but what is best for the children and you. I think you have all the answers you need. Stop letting this man subject you to so much agony. Love shouldn’t be that painful.
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omg
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Post by omg on Feb 23, 2009 13:08:19 GMT -5
Very true. I hate that my heart is so soft. I don’t even get it, I have been done so bogus so many times by people how am I still soft? I think you all are right. I am gonna leave this in the hands of my church and God. I have never went this route before-just figured I could handle it alone. I believe God will get us right! I need to invest time in things that matter and better my family situation. You guys are very helpful. I don’t know who else to even talk to. You give great and real advice
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Post by doinwatigottado on Feb 23, 2009 13:11:01 GMT -5
I truly wish you the best. I'm going to pray for your sitch to get better.
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omg
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Post by omg on Feb 23, 2009 13:12:48 GMT -5
It shouldn’t be you're so right. It just makes it so hard b.c I see the times he tries and does so well and he will be on a great roll for so long and I will be happy and I will see him taking our sons to bball practice and the Y with him and playing xbox and going to get the boys hair cut and being a good husband through all the bad he has done and I know what he WANTS to be and since I am not and never have been into drugs I don’t know what he's going through. Ive never had to just leave someone I love like this, I stuck by my mom through it b/c well shes my mom. Now here I am and I CAN leave. I just don’t want to give up to early! AND no lie okay-I am afraid if I do kick him out, he will go right back to BM's b/c he knows no one else. He knows she has an open door. I feel like I will practically be sending him there and if that happens then I know we're over for good!
Is that so twisted of me to think that?
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Post by gemmani on Feb 23, 2009 13:14:12 GMT -5
It's good to have a heart, OMG. No matter what happens, never let your heart harden. There just comes a time when you have to let your mind take over. Right now, your heart is the one talking about breaking up the family and such, while your mind is saying that you know that's not good to have your kids around.
As bad as things may seem, they never stay that way. As long as you stay positive and work towards bettering the situation, this can only make you stronger. Hell, you'll probably be shocked at just how strong you can be. I belive in you.
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Post by ty1981 on Feb 23, 2009 13:16:42 GMT -5
No but it just shows you already know his action pattern. One thing I have to add is that you said awhile ago he was acting strangely. His outing til 5 am after going to the store. His not wanting to check BM about something. Increased phone calls from BM. You automatically assumed cheating but maybe that's when he started using again. Drug addicts always think they can control it. I'm just saying look at his patterns omg....this wasn't just a relapse...it was slow progression.
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Post by chalan on Feb 23, 2009 13:18:16 GMT -5
Baby girl~ He is on drugs…he is not in his right mind. Do you consider yourself losing because BM gets the crack addict? Does DH being with BM even compare to the safe loving environment you can provide for your children? If you’re looking for reasons to stay…I don’t think anyone here can provide that.
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omg
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Post by omg on Feb 23, 2009 13:19:09 GMT -5
You guys may think im weird to say this but every time I split with DH I get so sick b.c I think you know the world may end sooner then we think, and you only get to live once-and I know how much we really love eachother and he is my best friend. I want to take every advantage I can of this one life I have b.c I can never re-do this. I don’t want to let him go and never have spent every second we have together. You never know when its too late. That thoughts stays in my head
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omg
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Post by omg on Feb 23, 2009 13:20:55 GMT -5
Im not, I just don’t want to do something ill regret. Im such a mess right now! I am! Man I wish someone knew how hard this is
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omg
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Post by omg on Feb 23, 2009 13:22:54 GMT -5
I know I sound sick, Id think anyone saying this was pathetic. I know.....I cant even pretend I don’t sound like a fool
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Post by chalan on Feb 23, 2009 13:24:25 GMT -5
I know it is hard but when you look at your children…don’t they make the decision simple? I’ll pray for you.
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Post by doinwatigottado on Feb 23, 2009 13:29:29 GMT -5
You are not a fool. Your'e confused, but you need to straighten up and take those blinders off. There is no easy answer to this sitch and either way, you have to do something. You have a two choices. You can stay with him hoping he changes and asking him and even threatening him to change. You can separate and hope he gets the help he needs in order for your family to have a chance at something really good. He has choices too and if going back to BM is one of his, then he is not worth your attention. I know that is a painful realization, but he needs to grow up and take responsibility for his life. He sounds lost and until he shakes the addiction he will not be able to be the man he needs to be for you and his children.
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