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Post by memyslfni on Feb 25, 2009 16:17:40 GMT -5
Jay, I'm glad to have you all as well.....What can i say BMD is my addiction ;D I rarely ever respond/read Omg's posts but this one compelled me..... If i came on here asking for advise on what i should do cuz my man constantly beat my A$$, I'd expect to always have replies to cut the ish out my life....But as you mentioned.....Some have addictions to substances, while others are addicted to people....My SO was addicted to the BS he and BM would go through and therefore enabling her BS. Same as with OMG's sitch. Its a pattern that needs to be broken.....One can also become addicted to sex, which often becomes difficult for some to sever a relationship. An abusive one at that. Theres actually a term for that...its called Fighten & F*ckin.......Dont ask me how I know  ;D |
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Post by gemmani on Feb 25, 2009 17:00:08 GMT -5
Okay, please let's not go there again!
OMG, in all honesty, we only respond to the info given. Based on your own words, we have no reason to compel you to stay with this man.
-He's done coke before ("cocaine's a helluva drug"). This isn't a one-time occurance.
-While on coke, he got BM pregnant not once, but twice.
-BM causes holy hell for you and he lets it slide instead of shielding you from that mess.
-He's disappearing for days on his coke binges.
-He's stealing money from the household.
.......I think that about covers it.
You keep mentioning that he's a good dad, the boys will miss him, etc. Yes, they'll miss him. But they'll live, just like the thousands of other kids it happens to daily. I don't think that's the real reason here. I really do think you are afraid of losing your DH. But what's more important? Losing him or making sure your kids are safe. You can't wait until things get worse. Why risk it?
The other ladies were speaking the truth. It may suck to hear, but you should really consider it.
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Post by Elove on Feb 25, 2009 17:05:47 GMT -5
Memyself-you made me laugh out loud F'in and Fightin' Syndrome....I had that disease,SMDH at the thought that is why I am empathetic,but willing to say things that are hard, because the truth is painful....I too have had addiction,alcoholism,sexual abuse, etc in my life too, but I decided not to let my past pain affect my future outcome and I went and got some help,which helped me turn my mind/emotions/life around....Once again ladies you have come with some of the best advice and even some practical info to back it up. I feel really bad in one way for OMG, because I know she is angry with herself and her man. I know she feels lonely and doesn't have anyone she can trust, that is painful. But please know that your cybergirlfriends got your back even if you get mad. Her backlashing is just another way of acting out. What is most disturbing is that she is in such denial about the affect this sitch is having on her children. By the way, OMG he doesn't go on binges inside the house not to shield your children,but because a crack binge/party needs things your home doesn't have. Like fellow crackhead(s) crack ho to smoke with,space to freely smoke,easy access to the dealer and he definitely doesn't need anyone killing his 3 and 4 minute highs, not to mention the crack hoes that are always lurking around. If you think that he can turn his crack smoking on and off, you are sadly mistaken. Just because you have not caught him in the house with crack doesn't mean he hasn't smoked/snorted at home(as if it matters). You are at work during the day, you don't know what is going on.Because we ALL know you can't trust a crackhead further than you can throw his ass. You are acting as a victim,like you didn't know this could happen. We were all suspicious with the 5 am in the morning thing,but you wanted to try and 'understand' because he told you a d**n good story.So we tried to understand, and tell you to watch your back. I think that we (I) advised you to get some help then for you. So now it turns out you are the addict....You are addicted to this man and the way that you feel when he is around. That you are allowing your dysfunction to be passed along to your babies. You have to deal with your issues before you can deal with his. As long as he wasn't out f'ing BM you were good. You said that would definitely be a dealbreaker. So he take from your family to feed his crack habit and thats cool, but if he sticks his thingy is someone else it is over? He knows that whatever he does you are going to take him back, and you know it too. At least do your kids the favor and get some family counseling. Please....you are playing with fire and you are going to burn your kids, they will have the emotional scars. You are an enabler and maybe its wasn't your fault because you weren't aware of how your childhood and your relationship with your mother was affecting how/who you are today/ But now you know and if you don't seek professional help then you are no better than the drug addicts you despise. I put the link to a very good article on enabler behavior, and they have some links to help. I hope it helps you to see that your experience is painful,but not unique or special,but treatable and resolvable. The alternative is suffering for you and a lifetime of issues for your children. WHO and WHAT IS AN ENABLERwww.asktheinternettherapist.com/counselingarchive-enabler-and-codependency.aspTo enable the individual with the addiction, the mutually dependent person makes excuses and lies for the addict, which enables the addiction to continue. Codependency is reinforced by a person’s need to be needed. The enabler thinks unreasonably by believing he can maintain healthy relationships through manipulation and control. He believes he can do this by avoiding conflict and nurturing dependency. Is it normal for someone to think that he can maintain a healthy relationship when he does not address problems and he lies to protect others from their responsibilities? The way a codependent person can continue to foster this dependency from others is by controlling situations and the people around them. The ongoing matter in a codependent home, are to avoid conflicts and problems and to make excuses for destructive or hurtful behavior. |
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Post by BD who fd up on Feb 25, 2009 17:13:14 GMT -5
this is the first time I've ever posted, but I have been on the board a while just reading. I was here the time omg flew off the handle on some of the other ladies. I just want to say that I couldn't say for sure that I would leave my longtime gf or wife if she got preg by someone else or had a drug addiciton, it just depends on what type of person that I'm in a relationship with and if they really have mine and their own best interest at heart, if they don't then it's time to move on. I do think omg really wants to spend the rest of her life with her DH, so maybe that's why she can't let go but it seems, when she tries to make it sound cute (like her dh is her best friend), deep down the situation is really f'd up. I hate to compare the two, but I think her and themrs have almost identical situations, but I think that themrs is sure of herself and the choices she's made and you never hear her say anything about dh not taking care of business, I think that she whole heartedly forgave him and their past that. She doesn't seem to be any different than anybody, from the way she talks, just another woman who married a man with an outside child. most of her drama is coming from BM vs. omg who just wants you to think that everything's great, when she knows that it isn't. She first needs to evaluate what's really going on instead of trying to make it sound good. I feel for you and I hope you find the answers you're looking for, but coming from a man's perspective you need some time to yourself to figure some stuff out. You're worth alot more babygirl. Much love
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Post by gemmani on Feb 25, 2009 17:20:22 GMT -5
Wow.
"She first needs to evaluate what's really going on instead of trying to make it sound good."
I've totally thought this exact same thing.
If that's the case OMG, please don't! Don't worry about trying to make things sound better. Instead, focus on REALLY making things better.
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Post by jaylady999 on Feb 25, 2009 17:21:07 GMT -5
Wow. And this from a man. OMG, you couldnt get better advice and words of encouragement that you've gotten here. And Elove, you were so on point too! BD, you assessment of the vast differences between OMG and thamrs are dead on. I had already figured that out. When OMG and I were having issues, she went off the deep end and I noticed that thamrs was more sure of her sitch, therefore didnt need to throw insults just to prove her sitch was all good. OMG on the other hand was saying whatever she could to get her point across no matter who she insulted in the process. OMG, I truly hope you do some soul searching and do what you feel needs to be done so that you can be happy. You deserve that.  |
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Post by jaylady999 on Feb 25, 2009 17:21:42 GMT -5
Wow. "She first needs to evaluate what's really going on instead of trying to make it sound good." I've totally thought this exact same thing. If that's the case OMG, please don't! Don't worry about trying to make things sound better. Instead, focus on REALLY making things better. Gemani I see we were both "wow-ed" by that one  |
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Post by gemmani on Feb 25, 2009 17:21:52 GMT -5
BD, join and become a member! We don't get many men on here. Start a new thread and share your story, please |
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Post by gemmani on Feb 25, 2009 17:24:23 GMT -5
Yeah Jay, I just heard a "ding-ding-ding!" when I read that, lol.
And I love it because that's someone who has never posted and has no prejudice on any of the situations. Just speaking from his viewpoint as a lurking poster. Perfect! BD needs to join!
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Post by youknow on Feb 25, 2009 17:25:35 GMT -5
OMG is a dumb Bi*ch and that's why she stays with her. That's why he chose her. Dumb b*tches stay with their husbands just because they want to be married. Wives like you make me sick.
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Post by ty1981 on Feb 25, 2009 17:40:09 GMT -5
d**n youknow way to kick someone when they are down.SMDH.
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Post by thamrs on Feb 25, 2009 17:42:01 GMT -5
Wow. Stay strong omg!! Just make sure you put those kids and yourself before ANYTHING or ANYONE. You HAVE TO keep it together for those precious little boys and the other one on the way.  For the most part, great advice has been given. We don't know you like that, so don't take it too personal!  There's the youknow that I know!! Hey girlfriend! Gotta love all that negative energy!! (sarcasm at its best) |
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Post by gemmani on Feb 25, 2009 17:48:42 GMT -5
Dang Youknow. Why'd you have to go there? Wow.
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Post by slick on Feb 25, 2009 19:26:24 GMT -5
OMG is a dumb Bi*ch and that's why she stays with her. That's why he chose her. Dumb b*tches stay with their husbands just because they want to be married. Wives like you make me sick. Unnecessary.....why should her desire to be married bother you? |
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Post by doinwatigottado on Feb 26, 2009 1:36:02 GMT -5
"She first needs to evaluate what's really going on instead of trying to make it sound good."
Yes, this says it all.
AND youknow, SMDH. Totally uncalled for.
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;D
For the most part, great advice has been given. We don't know you like that, so don't take it too personal! 
